It's been a long time since I have been able to respond here, I'm sorry... and I see that a lot has happened for you since then.
I don't know how relevant this convo. is for you, so let me know if there is more that you want me to say.
I would say that the longest we probably went without a single sexual encounter was around 6 months. But there were months on both sides of that where sex was very, very infrequent (3-4 weeks)-- mostly I would initiate, and then he would turn me down, and then once in a long while he would want sex and I would agree but end up resenting it because I would say yes to him but never the other way around.
When I would try to bring this up he would get very mean-- tell me I was a freak, shallow and obsessed with sex, that I was overly emotional and manipulative, or lying, about being upset. I remember one day that I told him "I am losing desire for you because of how I am rejected all the time. I am starting to think I would rather not have an intimate relationship with you at all." and he got very quiet and then said, "Okay, I can understand how you'd feel that way." and then fell asleep in another room.
It was like this to greater/lesser degrees for probably 3 years. He was acting out within this time.
Things had improved some on their own when I found out about the online thing. At that point I cut off our intimacy altogether until I could be sure that he had been faithful-- that was an emotional boundary for me but also a health boundary.
We were really able to make a new beginning out of being together again afterwards. At first I think he did it mostly for me because he knew it was something I had brought up and been hurt about in the past, and then as he healed he started reclaiming his sexuality for himself.
Part of his therapy was about learning to recognize his preferences and desires (something that he never really got to do as a kid)-- even about simple things like what he wanted to watch on TV-- he really had to train himself to figure out what he wanted and then go for it. Part of his "homework" in therapy was also to figure out his genuine sexual attractions rather than to base them on a template that was in his head from the abuse-- he was reluctant to share this with me (mostly because it sounded like a lame excuse to check out women in the name of therapy)-- but it led to some really good, intimacy-building conversations between us and it gave us a way to learn more about each other.
I guess what I am trying to say is that we have a really loving intimate life these days and if we can do it, I have to believe that it can be possible for any couple here with enough time, and if both people are willing to work at it and be a bit vulnerable.