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#67120 - 07/15/03 02:53 PM getting afraid...
PAS Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Hi - this morning on the news, there was a story about someone who was prosecuted (and fired) by the same employer as my BF's perp - there was a the same kind of hearing the same channel/professional association that my BF is using to prosecute his perp. It was so bizarre that this was a lead national news story...

We both woke right up after hearing the news story (I got really bad stomach cramps after hearing that story) - then I got really scared - what if my bf's perp tries to come after him - if this perp does get prosecuted and my BF is successful this guy's entire career will go down in flames - and this guy has been a very ambitious person in his career.

Suddenly this prosecution doesn't sound like such a good idea anymore.. what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I suddenly so scared about this? My bf is not worried that this perp. will come after him (I did ask him) so why am I so paranoid? Just the whole host of weird and irrational feelings coming out of me??? Any advice?

#67121 - 07/15/03 09:25 PM Re: getting afraid...
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
This is difficult. Second guessing, because now it is becoming so real to you.

I think the only thing I can say is that you need to trust your original decision. You need to know that the perp would not want to add to the charges, that he harmed or caused a problem to his accuser and chief witness. And, I think you need to do exactly what you are doing. Tell us about your fears, ask for ideas, let us be a support for you.

Can't think of much more just now.


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#67122 - 07/16/03 02:00 AM Re: getting afraid...
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
As someone who works with perpetrators as well as survivors, I would go with your boyfriend's instincts. Perpetrators are by nature more bluff than substance. They might throw a lot of smoke and noise but in the end, they know that they are done for when someone comes forward with details.

I would suggest that you trust your bf's instincts and go with the belief and understanding that his perp will likely just buckle down and look for the best deal he can get to keep out of jail or less time if jail is a certainty.

In any event, don't get bent out of shape about what a perp MAY do. They usually know that once the bluff is over, they are sunk.


Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#67123 - 07/16/03 02:33 PM Re: getting afraid...
PAS Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Hi Ken - thanks for your reply - I guess my concern is that this investigation is not a legal one but a professional one. The perp's entire career is at stake with this investigation becuase if he is found to be in breach of professional practice, there's no way in hell this guy will ever be able to work again (not in his chosen profession anyhow - and he has put a lot of time and energy into building his career). So in this case its a black or white issue - guilty = losing his career. Not guilty = keeping his career. Also the results of such investigations are very public and often reported in the news.. so this guy will not only lose his career but he will be publicly shamed/disgraced.

My BF still doesnt think that his perp will go after him but we are both kind of mulling the idea over in our heads.... We're just thinking that maybe we're being a bit over reactive on account of the stress that this whole thing is just digging up. Who knows.. but this situation is certainly scary and sickening for the both of us.. but definitely good to know that this guy may be more bluff than anything...


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