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#67041 - 07/03/03 04:25 PM knowing what happened.. driving me insane...
PAS Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Any of you friends and family who know what happened to your loved one.. how do you deal with the unbridled anger and all the overwhelming feelings you feel when you find/found out about what happened to your loved one? How do you handle it if you keep finding out new things over time?

We have to be there for support for our loved ones, but how do you deal with the anger knowing what happened to your loved one? We can't talk about it with our partners - they are the ones that need our support - and they ceratinly dont need to know that what they told us is upsetting to us. But still we have to find ways to deal with our anger.. this site is the only place I really can come to. This place and also talking to my mom (she's a special ed/behavioural specialist in an elementary school - lots of knowledge about abuse/behavioural problems in kids/teens, etc.)

What is especially hard for me is that i knew my BF when he was young (up to age 11) and he was molested at age 17.. I can imagine the type of teenager he was... nice, sweet and polite as he was when he was a kid... and to know that these teachers took advantage of him.. on one occasion for sure but there may have been more (he has pushed some incidents out of his mind using the explanation of "being drunk at the time" - there is one incident where he may have been placed/posed with another person (female teacher) and had photos taken of them together but he is not sure as he had some alcohol to drink that night...) just literally makes my skin feel like hot needles are being poked into me.. starting at my scalp... (knowing he was definitely abused by a man, and may have been abused by both a man and a woman on another occasion, no wonder he doesnt like male OR female "authority figures"...)

I just feel so protective of my BF sometimes because when we were kids he was my "side kick" and I was kind of the ringleader and I protected him them.. I feel like I let him down when I left town (my family moved away and we lost touch from 1980-2001) and all of this happened to him when I was not around.. maybe I could have protected him somehow had we still been friends...

So friends and family - how do you deal with your anger? It has been so hard some times.. I just tend to push it out of my brain but when it does pop back in, it is just so overwhelming.

So hard to take.. thinking about his abuse a lot this week on account of his case being reviewed tomorrow.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

#67042 - 07/04/03 02:40 PM Re: knowing what happened.. driving me insane...
ernie Offline

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
The anger is overwhelming, so much so that a victum falls into such deep depression, abuses alcohol, thinks about ending their time on earth and all that goes with it.
I felt that no one could possibly understand, no one would think I was telling the truth that I lied my way through it for 40 years, my wife asked me to leave, I faced it pretty much on my own. Anger, you bet, anger that I lost my youth, anger that I didn't do the things I wanted to do because I just knew "my body was different" Anger that I didn't know how to return the love that was given to me.
It is easy to say be patient with your bf but, be patient, it took me as I say 40 years to say all finally. The relief I feel is incredible, it is not a pretty picture to paint to be believed because I created my own shadow by covering up with lies and deception.
It may be hard to say I love you, I support you, we can make it through this after you finally hear all that needs to be said, when the memories finally surface (if they ever do). It can be really ugly, hurtful things are said, it won't happen overnight, the scars remain for a lifetime but you can move on and not let it dominate your entire being as I once did.
A hug and I love you go along way in healing.

The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.


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