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#66578 - 10/28/06 04:17 AM Re: my first time to post
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Shelly and welcome,

Haunting memories are what survivors live with and sometimes, alot of times, it makes them do things they wouldn't ordinarily do. Because of that, many of us partners have haunting memories of our own to deal with.

In my case, the only way I've been able to deal is to put those bad memories into perspective and to look at what I have now and what I believe we will have for the future. That's not to say that they don't turn up every now and then to cause me misery, they do. I see that my b/f is working so hard to not repeat his past mistakes, especially the ones that hurt us because he wants a future too. I believe what he tells me today. So, for the most part today is what I deal with because it's the only thing I can do to live my life the way I want to. Just like in everything else in life, the bad things are an experience to learn from and hopefully never repeat.

ROCK ON.........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#66579 - 10/28/06 05:01 AM Re: my first time to post
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

From what you say in your latest post I would just say that your bf ought to consider talking about his confusion with a qualified therapist. It is NOT his fault he feels this way; I hope what I said earlier makes it a bit easier to appreciate the turmoil and confusion about so many things that a survivor can get tangled up in.

It isn't at all unusual, for example, for a survivor to look back and recall missing the abuser or even loving him. That's a probem that sometimes comes up here on the site. When the man who abused me was chased off when I was 14, for example, I felt safe for the first time in five years. But very soon thereafter I felt such pain and loss; I felt like the abuser had abandoned me and that I must be a very bad boy. But at the same time I hated him for what he had done to me. It was all extremely confusing for me.

I think what this illustrates is how insidiously an abuser will often be able to manipulate his victim and make him think the abuser loves him and regards him as very special. Sometimes the abuser has set this up himself; in my case the perp isolated me emotionally from my family and bombarded me with lies about how I wasn't loved at home. But sometimes a boy really is emotionally starved; if he isn't made to feel special, loved, important, and wanted at home, the attentions of a pedophile can seem very important indeed to him.

So the point here is that your bf may be misunderstanding how he felt about the abuser as a boy, or why he had those feelings in the first place.

You ask about that letter in which he says he's gay. I don't know your bf, and well, perhaps he's right. But here too there could be a lot of confusion in the picture. That could come from lots of sources. He may be thinking that abuse "turned" him gay, for example, or he may be attracted to gay porn for reasons that have nothing to do with homosexuality but everything to do with his abuse history.

This is an issue with possibilities for lots of new pain and trauma, so he really should deal with this issue with a T to guide and help him along. The fact that he thought of the possibility that he's gay and rejected it suggests that the real problem is that looking back to his childhood causes him a lot of painful confusion. But here too, all the more reason to take this up with a T.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#66580 - 10/28/06 02:29 PM Re: my first time to post
beccy Offline

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england

I understand what you must be feeling right now. My bf told me he thought he was gay when we found out I was pregnant with our first child. I was devastated. Then, he didn't seem certain. Life chugged along, till all the abuse stuff came out into the open, at which point the 'gay' issue arose once more. Bf seems to have worked through the issue with T (using EFT). He tells me he knows he's not gay now. But, he has told me this kind of thing previously, then admited he lied, so I don't know. It plagues me....

I'm sorry i don't know what else to say other than Therapy is the best way to go for your bf.
take care,


#66581 - 10/30/06 08:43 PM Re: my first time to post
sexslave Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/05/06
Posts: 16
Loc: Texas
Thank you all for your thoughts. I know that my bf needs to get into therapy again, but the thought does scare me after what happened last time. His abuse has had a profound impact on his life and how he preceives himself. I always wonder if the signifcant confidence he projects is real or partially real, or just a cover-up for his low self-esteem. Thanks again.

James Fox

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