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#66470 - 06/01/03 05:38 PM Re: Sad decisions
stpbb Offline

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 103
Thanks for that Marc. Yes, I think we are basically moving on from each other. It is just less drastic than I had feared -- we are able to communicate and go through the process instead of just completely severing all communications. I had feared that would be the only option given his attitude & comments which were becoming so harsh and negative that it seemed that the only way to protect myself would be to quit taking his calls.

I am encouraged, but as you say it is the tiniest improvement. Funny how that can make all the difference -- the smallest incremental changes really do impact the overall picture, even if it isn't "fixed".

I also was relieved to hear from him some of his progress regarding the abuse issues & sorting through his family history. I think that part of the severe negativity is a result of some painful realizations that he is making. It is sad and painful to see the awful reality he is facing, but I think the prognosis for recovery is better with an honest progression throught the truth instead of being buried in denial.

This is a little off topic, but I'm wondering if any of the other partners find it difficult or traumatizing to hear about their partners abuse. Perhaps I sound naieve here -- I am in my mid-30s, so I'm not unfamiliar with many of the harsh realities of life -- but I grew up in a fairly 'normal' (whatever that is) family with a lot of love, support and opportunity & when I hear about the things that went on in my bf's family, even non-abusive situations that set the scene for the abuse, I am shocked and horrified at what people will allow. It is as though there is something evil lurking under the surface of people that I was never really faced with before. I guess what I mean is that SA is so insidious -- rape, murder, & other horrors in the world are obvious. SA lurks under the surface with supposed 'respectable' people who appear perfectly nice & decent perpetrating horrific things within their own homes.

I think that is part of why I struggle to know what to do in response to this relationship. I have no context in which to know how to react to his healing process. It isn't that I don't see & respond to the obvious -- drawing the line at verbal abuse, for example. It is more things like seeing, as an outsider to the family, that my bf, who is the black sheep by his family's standard, is actually more caring and sincere than the rest of the family members who have adapted better to societal standards of behavior. They still to this day view him as the incurable rebel which makes me want to scream at them for their hypocritical attitudes about him & about his recovery process.

There is the added dimension, as Marc pointed out, of his being male & his family reacts differently to that as well. His sisters went through their own realizations of the abuse history some time ago & yet none of them seems to understand the severity of his crises. He is a man & should be stong and able to deal with everything. I talked to him again yesterday & he was sad & needy. I said that I thought he needed a mother & then we both realized the larger truth behind that statement.

Anyway, I am just venting now. I think I need to unload some of these thoughts because I have seen a lot of things in this family I never wanted to see. I am moving on with my life but I almost feel like I have to recover from being associated with this craziness. Does that make any sense?


#66471 - 06/02/03 12:12 AM Re: Sad decisions
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Yes, it makes a lot of sense to me. And I'm sure my wife would agree. Well she does, we talk about this a lot now as I try to become more aware of what she's going through and been through.

Why would you know what the effects were, or how severe they could be ?
No matter how much work is done by organizations like M.S., and the Charity I work for here in the UK, the message is still not common knowledge, progress is there, but it's kinda slow though.

Thankfully we are all in a far better position than our parents generations were, and both survivors and their partners can find the information if they seek it

And that level of information is critical to a partner.
I can't begin to imagine how my wife felt when she found out that I acted out. I told her the reasons as I saw them, but there was always a chance she would reject my reasons as excuses and just think I was a dirty old perv !
Without the voices of other survivors saying what I said, and relitively easy access to those voices through books and the internet, she might well have believed I was the only person in the world like me.

And Marc is also right, men live under the 'macho' image, and with all the distortions we have mixed up with that we can behave in some very extreme ways.
I believe the womens movement has done much good over the years, it's certainly made the subject of rape something that's commonly read about in womens magazines. Where the hell is the mens movement ? our magazines are still full of fast cars and sport.

There's still a huge amount of ignorance about male SA out there, but I know that people like yourself who believe us, are willing to support us and stand up and be counted alongside us, can and do find out everything they need to know.

There's no limit to my thanks for all the partners who stand alongside us.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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