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#66431 - 10/26/06 06:52 AM Re: expressing myself
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Everything seems to be so ideally based for him. I just want something real based on reality. It seems like, connection for him is all about everything being happy. like a concept.

I know exactly what you mean. My partner does this too; it is like he's got an idea now about what he'd like from the relationship, but doesn't have enough information about what this stuff looks like in practice so he can't fill in the gaps. He just says, "I wish it could be like THIS" and the "THIS" is always sort of vague and generally something that he's not too good at himself or doesn't have a lot of experience with.

That kind of dialogue comes across as blaming to me and I don't know that he always means it that way. For example, he made a comment about how there is not much non-sexual affection in the relationship... I was sort of surprised by this because I feel like I go out of my way to sit next to him, hold hands, etc. even when he is unable to do more, so I asked him for what specifically he feels is missing.

Long story short-- what he meant was, he wishes that we could share more acts of affection that don't instantly mean "sex" in his mind. Well I can't fix that! He avoids any kind of affectionate contact with me when he's feeling like he's not able to be intimate, because, no matter how many times I say "holding hands is not leading me on" he feels like there is a point of no return after which he will not be able to say no. \:\( I feel terrible about that but there is not much I can do to fix it except keep loving him and respecting his limits.

So what he really meant by "I would like us to have more affection in our relationship" was "I wish I could experience some of this differently"-- maybe this is like where your boyfriend is at with feeling "happy" in the relationship? Not that he wants you to be someone else, but he wants to have a new lens, so to speak.

#66432 - 10/27/06 08:29 PM Re: expressing myself
beccy Offline

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Perhaps you are right SAR,

that is a useful way to look at it all. It's just all so confusing :rolleyes: My own feelings about everything seem to keep changing from almost one minute to the next. I wish there was some escape from all this.......


#66433 - 10/28/06 05:49 PM Re: expressing myself
beccy Offline

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england

I am sorry i didn't reply to your post yet. I just wrote a massive reply and then the computer crashed before I sent it and now I don't have time to rewrite it!

It took a while for me to process what you said, it struck such a sensitive chord in me! So, I'll just say that what you said was most helpful. It forced me to think about what exactly my own feelings are. Some of that was difficult to think about, but it has led me down a very productive path and me and bf have had some very open conversations this week. I realise I've felt so hurt by a lot of his behaviour in this relationship and that coupled with some of the different behaviours which naturally come with the healing process, was beginning to make me feel like i wasn't really sure if i liked him much anymore. Or if I wanted to stay in this relationship/was strong enough to cope. Some of these things mirror stuff from my own background and I think to a degree I have been confusing the two and feeling like escape is the only option.

Anway, thanks again for being so 'to the point' and brave by offering your take on this topic. I just can't begin to think what I would do/where I'd be at now if it wasn't for this discussion board. I've had so much good advice. It continues to be a great source of support \:\)

There's definately a lot to be said for thinking about difficult feelings/working through them. Some of the pain you have to go through to do that is so hard, but on the other side is liberation!!!! I don't know what the future holds for me and bf, but at the very least it could be a journey worth exploring. I do hope the compatability and happiness lies at the end of all this hard work..........


#66434 - 10/28/06 07:58 PM Re: expressing myself
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey

Don't you hate when that happens!

I'm glad what I said made you think and you feel that it helped. Sometimes, as I said in another post, I still trip over my own tongue in real life and here too, but I try. Posts I've received and read here have made me think alot and given me different perspectives on things that I otherwise would not have thought of, which is a huge part of the beauty here.

I'm glad you and your b/f are talking more, that is the key to so much. If we can express our pain, our limitations, our fears, our successes and our wants/needs, to ourselves and our loved ones, even if its little bits at a time, sooner or later a whole conversation comes out of it and everyone is the better for it.

ROCK ON........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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