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#66204 - 05/14/03 07:49 PM I am so weak I called him!!!
moonshine Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/12/03
Posts: 4
Loc: California

I called him and I dont know why after everyones great advice I became weak and called...As usual he couldnt give me a straight awnser...I just want him to see his son I feel like that might change him for the better but I am just a dreamer hopeing for the best...When I asked him about the DNA he said he never said anything about that and didnt care if he got one or not,like he was scared to tell me he did I told him to be honest with his feeling that if it would make him feel better then get one but he sounded like a scared puppy with his tail between his legs that if he said the wrong thing to me he would be hit... I told him it hurts my feelings that he can hang out with other peoples kids but dosent want to see his own what up with that???But then on the other hand he acted excited about him so I think I am just confusing myself...

I just dont understand this guy

#1 He told me and everyone else that he was molested as a boy but he was drunk when he would tell he told me the first day I meant him ??Dont you usally keep something like that to yourself?Or tell just one person?

#2 He will tell me one day I care about you I always wanted to be with you I love you eventhough he dsent know me as a person really goes off when drunk?Then the next time its like he could careless about my feelings...Or I will call you tomarro then I never get a call for weeks??

#3 He does what his mean friend tells him to do I have seen this firsthand and hes like a little kid that wants to make him happy so he will do what his friend says

#4 He is only 22 his mean friend is 31 is this guy a father figure to him? pluse this mean friend of his wife is 22 aswell..Whats a 31 year old doing hanging out with a 22 year old>???

#5 He seems like a people pleaser he is nice does what you tell him its like hes scared to tell you how he feels or the truth???

#6 He told me he was molested by his moms boyfriend but his grandmother told me his father that just died was a pedifiler,He also said he wishes he was close to his father and wants to make him proud..this confuses me???

I feel so bad for him I know I cant change him but I want to help him like a lost puppy that needs love!!! He was with a girl for like 4 years that cheated on him ,then someone else said they were having his baby and it turend out not to be his he said that was really hard on him...He and the mean friend will get introuble with the law on he will take the blame and his friend will walk...

Sorry to blab I wish I could get inside his head I dont understand him I never will I dont know what to think anymore???I just dont want him hurting himself,I worry about him and I dont know why I bother beacuse he dosent care about me, I dont think he cares about himself..

Please help me understand I am anylizeing this way to much and its making me crazy....

THank You All

#66205 - 05/14/03 08:03 PM Re: I am so weak I called him!!!
outis Offline

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA
I just dont understand this guy
I dont think he cares about himself..
Please help me understand I am anylizeing this way to much and its making me crazy....

He's confused, and confusing. No wonder you don't understand.

There's nothing wrong with what you did. But don't let your concern for the baby's father to distract you from the important things that only you can do.

Please take care of yourself. Take care of your baby. You don't understand this guy, and he probably doesn't understand himself. But you can't fix him, whether he has a problem with alcohol, sexual abuse victimization, dysfunctional family, whatever.

You can take care of yourself and your baby, so if the baby's father one day gets things together, you and the baby will be ok. And if this guy doesn't get things together you can still make a life for yourself and your son.

My two cents.


"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

#66206 - 05/14/03 10:46 PM Re: I am so weak I called him!!!
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I think you know the answers, I think you know your doubts.

Whatever his problems are, whatever caused them, only HE can start the process to overcome the problems.

Partners can support us, they're such a source of strength to us.
But unfortunately partners can't force us to do anything. The things that affect us deeply like our loss of self worth and self esteem can only be rebuilt by our efforts, support helps for sure, but the main effort must be ours.

Recovery is a huge job, we need all the help we can get. But nobody can do it for us.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#66207 - 05/15/03 11:43 AM Re: I am so weak I called him!!!
SandyW Offline

Registered: 02/25/03
Posts: 86
Loc: NJ
Sorry to come off as being so blunt, but let it go. Take care of yourself and your baby. You say you just don't understand him and list 5 good reasons why he is unstable and not capable of parenting this baby. Forced parenting, even by way of guilt (you hang out with other kids but not your own) is not going to work. Look how confused you are. Do you want your son to have the opportunity to be a carefree kid? Or, do you want your son wondering the very same things about his father? The choice is yours.


#66208 - 05/15/03 02:14 PM Re: I am so weak I called him!!!
JK Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/13/03
Posts: 26
Loc: New York
Hi Moonshine , I wish I had some great insight on why he has trouble relating with his daughter but I don't , I wish that I did so I would know why I have the same exact problem.

I truley love my daughter but have difficulty with I guess .....being her father and relating to her . I used to think it was cause of my dislike of the ex-wife but I'm not so sure about that.

I guess the reason I responded is to maybe give you a little comfort in knowing that he is not the only one with the same problem.

I just wish I could get closer to my daughter but its like some barrier exist between us .

Take care and good luck


#66209 - 05/16/03 01:49 PM Re: I am so weak I called him!!!
PAS Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
RE: not understanding why your baby's father sticks with people who mistreat him - its because he's been so mistreated that continuing to be mistreated feels so familiar and comfortable you feel you should be with someone who treats you that way. I know this sounds bizarre but being treated well after having suffered abuse just feels... wrong. I have been there. I have dated guys who treated me like crap and stuck with them for YEARS (wasted my entire 20-something decade on relationships like that) because that was how my dad treated me and I figured I didnt deserve any better.


#66210 - 05/16/03 05:26 PM Re: I am so weak I called him!!!
Freedom Offline

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US

I think you are so right.


Life is moving on. AM I?


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