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#66138 - 05/12/03 11:42 PM Dont Know What To Do???Confused Long
moonshine Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/12/03
Posts: 4
Loc: California
Hey I am new here.....

Ok my probblem is that 10 months ago I got preg by a guy that told me he was sexually abused as a boy,he even told my freind one night on the phone when he was drunk....Yes this guy is a alcholic at its worst...

I had a sexual fling with this guy and yes I felt really close to him there was just something about him that made me want to love him well I ended up pregnent...The whole time he never called he would go over to his friends house that I will say is very possessive over him tells him what to do and he puts up with it pluse this guy is rough bad news...He called once and told me he cared about me when I was 6 months and was excited about me being preg!!!!Never heard from him found out he went to jail for getting his second DUI while on probation and his father died aswell,Now he told me he was molested by his mothers boyfriend,but his grandmother told me his father was a pedifiler so that counfused me,I guess he was embaressed to say it was his father??

Well he never called on my due date so I called 2 weeks later and let his family met his son they said that he was excitd and he knew this was his son,thay said they looked just alike,they said his probblm was his friend and the alchol....He finally called the next day and said he wanted to see him Saturday and was excited and that he really didnt hang out with his mean friend and that he knew this was his son,and that he was having a hard time with his father passing away and that he wanted to make him proud...Well I never got a call so I called him last night and he was nice but offishmaking excuse of why it would be hard to see him ,then his grandmother called me today and said he wanted a Dna!!!!I am so confused is he being this was beacuse of what happend in his past???I dont know what to think We are both in are 20's I feel he should be more grown up about this why coulnt he tell me about the DNA....I know he is dealing with the past he seems so sad and he has a hard time with alchol and the bad friend is his only friend does this all have to do with being molested when he was a boy I hope someone can help me figure this out Hope I didnt confuse anyone this is long and I have a lot on my mind very sad and confused.....Thank You

#66139 - 05/13/03 01:34 AM Re: Dont Know What To Do???Confused Long
SandyW Offline

Registered: 02/25/03
Posts: 86
Loc: NJ
I don't mean to sound blunt, but let him go. Period. I speak from experience. Do not force the baby or yourself on him expecting him to be nurturing to this child. You say yourself he is an alcoholic, "bad news", and heavily influenced by this friend of his. Men have rights as parents too, no matter how uninvolved they had been to date. Because of the recent "father's rights movement" these men can and are granted custody of their children, regardless of how good of a mother you are. you want this man to raise your child? I know you are hurt by this and your concern is of that for your child. Forced parenting is not going to solve his problems. You can feel sad for him, empathize with his pain, be there should he decide to become involved, but don't do it at the expense of your child. Please, if you want more information feel free to PM me.

#66140 - 05/13/03 01:40 AM Re: Dont Know What To Do???Confused Long
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hello Moonshine,

I am saddened that you are a young mom with so much other stuff to worry about. So Happy Mother's Day, even if being happy is not easy.

Moonshine, I am a recovering alcoholic. It has been over 16 years of a day at a time for me. Your friend needs to admit that he has a problem with alcohol. Then IF he wants to get help not drinking he is welcome to attend a closed meeting of AA. He will get the info there to decide if he wants to work the AA program or not.

If he chooses to get sober and stay sober, lots of things will get better.

You may be hurt by him wanting to have a dna test. But as a survivor of abuse, it could just be that he can't believe that something so wonderful has happened to him.

I hope that he is never abusive towards you. Don't tolerate that for a second. Call the cops and they may refer him to an AODA program.

God bless you and your son--and the father.


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#66141 - 05/13/03 02:08 AM Re: Dont Know What To Do???Confused Long
outis Offline

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA

Congratulations on the birth of your son. No matter what else happens, you do have a child who depends on you to take care of him. It's a privilege.

You do have a lot on your mind. First of all, you need to take care of yourself because you won't be the mother you want to be for your child if you don't take care of yourself. Do you have a family member or close friend nearby that can listen to you and be with you? If not, maybe there's a crisis pregnancy center nearby where you can speak with one of their staff/volunteers.

Childhood sexual abuse messes people up, and if he's mixing with a bad crowd and abusing alcohol, he's not in shape to help you, as a partner, or help your son, as a parent, right now. I think most folks would agree that survivors have to curb drug/alcohol abuse to make progress on recovery from sexual abuse.

It is possible for men who were abused as children to become loving parents, responsible for guiding children gently. There are guys here on these boards who are doing that, or have done that.

But your priority now, in my opinion, must be yourself and your son. Your son's father is not in shape to be a parent right now. From what you write, he's not a partner to you right now. He may come around and things may get better. It does happen. But please don't just wait for it to happen. Take care of yourself and your baby.


"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

#66142 - 05/13/03 02:59 AM Re: Dont Know What To Do???Confused Long
James_dup1 Offline

Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
HI, and let say "Happy Mothers Day" as well. I would have to agree with the other men that have posted. Just remember that it is not your job to "fix" him, that falls on his sholders alone. And untill he is ready he will keep running from the pain. I'm a 35 year old with 3 kids,I didnt start my recovery untill just over a year ago. Over that time I abused drugs, sex, etc.. Just remember that first take care of you, or you will never be able to take care of your son. Children are a gift, and should be treated as such. And if the father is drinking to much then thats not a person you want influnceing your son. Trust me I know, I cant count the number of Christmas's I spent opening my presents in side a bar. Both my partents "lived" to drink and drank to "live". So like sp said. Cut your loses while you still can, and be happy that he gave you that little child. And please keep him safe from the freaks out there. Know who he's around and what he's doing. Sorry rambleing some here. If you need to talk please pm me.

Be true to yourself...


I have more issues than Rolling Stone!

#66143 - 05/13/03 06:15 PM Re: Dont Know What To Do???Confused Long
Cement Offline

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
Don't try to fix him...and as much as you would like to have him as a father to his child, do not compromise your life and safety or that of the child.

As the others said, look after yourself and the baby. He does not sound ready,not at all; you need love and commitment to overcome just the SA issues with him, and the whole thing will work best if you are patient and take care of the baby and you.

You can make it. You will make it.


And let the darkness fear our light.

#66144 - 05/13/03 07:12 PM Re: Dont Know What To Do???Confused Long
PAS Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
I agree with these posts - i also apologize for being so blunt but as a child of an alcoholic/depressive/recovering abuse victim father I strongly suggest not having this person as an influence on your child until he has gotten his act together.

I am 33 years old and still suffer from the effects of my dad's alcoholism, etc. on my growing-up years. I suffer from my own mood disorders, wrecked relationships, difficult social interactions, insomnia, depression, anxiety...

Your first priority now has to be the child's mental health and welfare. Best to keep distance between the child and his father until he is more stable. Please try to prevent your child from going through what I went through. I can safely attest to the fact that kids can pick up on the unstable vibes of an unstable addict-parent. I remember knowing something wasn't quite right with my dad and with my parents' relationship from as far back as I can remember.


#66145 - 05/13/03 10:35 PM Re: Dont Know What To Do???Confused Long
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Moonshine, if you feel you would like the support of people who understand: call Al-Anon and check out a near-by meeting. They are folks who have been there and done that--and now they are getting well themselves.


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#66146 - 05/13/03 10:54 PM Re: Dont Know What To Do???Confused Long
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I know that you're new baby son is the most important thing to you at the moment, and you should keep it that way.

His father might well have been abused as a child, and the guys here, and the partners who come to this forum, know only too well how much hurt and damage that can cause. Addiction to drink is all too common, as is aggressive behaviour.

Unfortunately that is unlikely to get better or change without proper help, and that's choice he alone can make.

You have a tough choice to make I know, I don't envy you. But I think you have to think of yourself and your son first.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau


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