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#66061 - 05/08/03 11:14 AM predator or pray ***trigger
SandyW Offline

Registered: 02/25/03
Posts: 86
Loc: NJ
It seems my husband has recalled that his sister was asleep both times when he had incestuous relations with her. I am having trouble dealing with this on several levels. First, I cannot exactly buy into that she was sleeping. Admittedly, he disrobed her. That alone should have woken her up, if not the act itself (as a thirteen year old boy, I'm sure he was quite clumbsy about it). Think, late teen age girl, used to sleeping alone, is not awoken by being undressed or by sexual encounter. I just struggle with it and I don't understand why he thinks she was sleeping. Is this his way of protecting her? I had a conversation with her about two years ago where we discussed why he was having so many struggles, and not able to stay sober, and I was saying, "well I know about this and that, blah, blah, blah", and she said, "yeah, well, I know about everything". In retrospect, it seems that she was referring to this. Its not just what she said, but the way she said it, really smug and loaded with sarcasm, that I didn't even challenge it at the time as I wasn't sure what to make of it. I cannot understand either why he would try to protect her as he later learned that she was responsible for him being removed from his house and placed in a group home. She was the one in charge of the family, even when they were that young. She called the social worker and said that he was out of control. (He didn't know this when they had the encounter though.) Enough on that, and on to my second issue. If it is true that she was sleeping, then it seems that he raped her. This is too much to deal with. I have two little girls, and a third baby on the way, and I'm beginning to worry about them. I just can't think anymore...there's too many things bouncing about my head. How can I be supportive of my husband when I'm beginning to think he's a monster? Everything in me wants to run, even though I told him last night I would never leave. I know he has big abandonment issues from his past and I think some of the stuff he's done is because he wants to make me leave him before I do it on my own. I'm sure he's thinking that everyone else in his life has betrayed and/or abandoned him on some level, so then why not me?


#66062 - 05/08/03 12:05 PM Re: predator or pray ***trigger
Sick Puppy Offline

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
Sandy, a lot of us do things we regret when we are children/adolescants. I assume that this occured before he was an adult? We even have a forum here for that, the "At Risk Survivors" forum. There really is a difference between doing something like that as a hurt and confused child and doing it as an adult who understands exactly what he is doing. The brain doesn't finish developing until the late teenage years, I believe. If he did it as a child/teen that's no indication that he will do it again.

Also, re: the "sleeping" part, consider the possibility that he mounted her while she was sleeping, and she woke up, but continued to pretend to be asleep, possibly out of fear of personal injury or maybe, if he was a lot smaller than her and easy to overcome, she knew that she could use it against him. Either way, perhaps she woke up but your husband thought she had slept the whole thing through.

And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see

Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

#66063 - 05/09/03 03:52 PM Re: predator or pray ***trigger
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
what "actually" happened only two people know, and they're most likely confused, frightened and in a certain amount of denial about.

But if your husband was in an abusive situation himself at the time then it's unlikely he knew any different.
I'm reading a book written by the BBC team and the Detective in charge of Scotland Yard's pedophile unit at the moment ( The Hunt for Britains Pedophliles ) and there's a heartbreaking chapter of an interview with a woman now in her thirties who wrote this chilling passage.

"If you've got pets in the house and children are brought up with dogs, you're used to dogs in the house. Well I was brought up with an abuser, it's just a natural thing; there isn't any time set, at different stages you're taught to do different things, but the way abusers treat daughters,'s just a way of life, it's not like "oh this is wrong, this is right" You just trust the parent, it's natural. If my dad said "do something" then it was done because he's the parent, somebody I looked up to, somebody I had whole trust in, and if you've done it from birth , then you trust in what they say, so how can it be wrong ?
They're there to guide you throught your life, and that's exactly what he did, he guided me, and it's only when you're older you can say "yes, that was wrong" but when you're a child and you have full trust in an adult it's not seen as wrong"

If someone learns this set of wrong values from somebody they love and trust it's not surprising that they think it's 'normal' to have sex within their family or circle of friends.

If he's disclosed this to you then I would think he's safe with your kids, pedophiles like secrecy and by blowing his secret he's making himself safe from any slight fears he might have had.
By telling you about his past he's put you on guard, NO mother is going to ignore those kind of signals.

If he's working at his recovery and sharing his fears it's because he want's to live his life as normal as possible and be your husband and a good father to your children, by sharing with you he's asking for little more than support.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau


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