I read your story and can feel your pain.
On the road of life I have found many truths and many lies. I am sure like many of you I have asked
questions that cannot be answered by me. I have asked, "is their a god," "why did he let me be abused?"
and "is their really any point to life." I feel that being able to questions is what makes us human and to
ask questions that are unanswerable allows our minds to freely work.
Some of those you are dealing with and I would like to add a couple of things.
With all of us suffering from SA and to all others HURT WAS INEVITABLE. SUFFERING IS OPTIONAL. Think about that. We are created in a state of cleanliness that is never repeated. we are a product of our past, no matter how bad it was or how good. If we choose to suffer that is our choice and if there is a God or superior entity he/she/it gave us the ability to choose our path. The great steps forward in the human condition have been forged in the furnace of adversity. And that rule applies to we individuals as well. It is how we overcome these obstacles to inner peace and self respect that is the true essence of our being.
Walt Whitman Wrote.
The Past-the dark unfathom'd retrospect!
The teeming gulf-the sleepers and the shadows!
The Past! the infinite greatness of the past!
For what is the present after all but a growth out of the past?
And Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote
The terror that scares us from self-trust is our past act or word. But why should you keep your head over you shoulder? Why drag about this corpse of your memory? Bring the past for judgement in the thousand-eyed Present, and liver ever in a new day.
I think those to quotes say it all
When we look at a star at night we are not seeing the truth. It may have died thousands of years ago but we cannot tell. We see the star because we believe it is there. Much of our past is viewed this way because it is what we choose to believe and we push away anything that might have been pleasant or great for us. We only see the pain, hurt etc.
There is anothe truism
Dont know who wrote it
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to reapeat it.
I think as it applies to us. If we do not choose to remember the past and all we did to cope we will be doomed to constantly reenact it thus comfirming our lousy sense of self worth. Now some of us used the mechanism of deleting and burying the past so deep it may take years to rear its head. When it does it must be delt with or it and/or the feelings we had will happen over and over again.
Dont know if this makes any sense but I try.
Your brother Wolf