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#65886 - 05/02/03 03:33 PM anniversary weekend
PAS Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Tough weekend coming up - this is the "anniversary" of my bf's first "drinking" episode - apparently the alcohol was brought to him by his perp.. (teacher at school with whom he had a social relationship)and the SA happened later on during another "social visit" when my BF got drunk with the teacher...

BF spent the night last night at my house he was crying on my shoulder.. I feel so bad for him.. he says he still feels so much shame for "things that he did while drunk" (BF had an alcohol problem after the abuse for approx. 10 years).

I tried to tell him that whatever happened to him was not his fault and whatever he did while drunk was not his fault and the reasons why he had to drink so much were not his fault.. he was just a kid (16 or 17) when the drinking and the SA started and this teacher SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER and the teacher was supposed to be the mature and responsible one, not my BF!

One lingering situation re: the abuse - often my BF wants to get into bed with me, naked, and have me hold his penis when he is feeling scared. His SA was molestation - his perp. fondled him in bed (on at least one occasion - the rest of my bf's memories are fuzzy/cloudy/repressed/alcohol altered) - and I wonder if my BF wants me to hold him "there" so that he can feel safe and protected (we are not just bf/gf but old friends from waay before his SA). I dont know if this is harmful for his recovery? If not - I dont mind helping him this way if it does make him feel better. I usually oblige with no protest when he asks, makes me feel that somehow I'm protecting him now.. when I couldn't back then...

Anyhow the BF just kept beating himself up for a long time last night... it was a tough night. Its so tough how we can be abused (I'm an abuse survivor too - not SA but emotional/psychological/verbal) and still internalize that crap for so long.. like somehow aiming it at ourselves is some kind of coping technique for SOMETHING but I have noticed its the one major thing that seems to linger..... I wonder what that's all about..

Not writing any of this to criticize anyone.. just that its hard sometimes.. and we are both getting pretty tired carrying our crosses. We both suffer back pains and problems from "carrying the weight of the world our shoulders"...

Its tough when these "anniversaries" come around -I have one recent one - labour day 2001 - my dad attempted suicide for the third time and spent that weekend in a cardiac ward (result of a drug overdose). Do any of you suffer from "anniversary" reactions? HOw do you handle this?

Thanks for feedback on any and all of my post.


#65887 - 05/02/03 03:57 PM Re: anniversary weekend
confused_n_alone Offline

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 31
Loc: Ottawa Ontario Canada
he is lucky to have someone as special as you who tries to understand

i am just starting my journey and i hope my wife is as supportive as you

When i have my moments i tend to hide with in myself and don't let anybody near me

this is what she is having a hard time dealling with how i could be so scared of a 4'11 woman when iam 6'2 300+

he is lucky to have your support and comassion

Good luck and have a good day

Confused n Alone \:\)

A Jouney starts with one step
A Trip starts With Friends

#65888 - 05/02/03 04:10 PM Re: anniversary weekend
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Your wife will be just give her the chance. I finally told my wife when I was 59. We got married when I was 26. She and my daughter got really mad because I had not told them sooner.

Today we are a real family. I still have my moments but she knows them and sees them. I think they have a lot more perception than we will ever had.

Hve a great weekend



#65889 - 05/04/03 05:52 PM Re: anniversary weekend
Freedom Offline

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US

A book by S. Wolinsky might help here. Ii is called "The Dark Side of the Inner Child" Someone recommended it in another post (Sorry, I do not remember who).

I deals with trances as a result of trauma and provides ideas on how to deal with them. I just started reading it and it seems to make a lot of sense.


Life is moving on. AM I?


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