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#65771 - 04/28/03 04:42 PM Re: Encouragement & Insight Needed
Sick Puppy Offline

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
Originally posted by Faith:
7) He has difficulty climaxing during sex. He gets and maintains erections and can orgasm from oral sex, but never from "standard" sex. When he does orgasm, he says he often feels guilty. Is there anything I can do to alleviate the guilty, shameful feelings? Why can't he orgasm from "regular" sex?
I didn't read this entire thread as it's hard for me to keep my attention on large blocks of text (not the fault of any of you :p ) so I apologize if this had already been said, but as far as my experience goes I think it is pretty common amongst survivors to have this sort of sexual dysfunction. I don't really know or understand what causes it but don't think it has anything to do with you. I've had the problem myself (although I think it can partly be attributed to the side effects of my medication-- have you looked into that at all as a possible cause?) but I do know that at least a part of it is psychological. It can get pretty frustrating for me and I am sure it is frustrating for my partner as well. I guess I could also use some answers in this area. Just know that it's not an uncommon problem, though, and don't think that it is at all related to your ability as a sex partner or a lover.

And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see

Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

#65772 - 04/28/03 10:03 PM Re: Encouragement & Insight Needed
Les_Angry Offline

Registered: 10/06/02
Posts: 195
I just wanted to respond to something that Dave said about not being gay but thinking about having sex with men. I have a unique perspective on this, because my perp taught me to masturbate at such a young age (11) I didn't even know that it related to other people in any way. He taught me to do it in the street in front of my house, so I used to just look at the scenery of the residential neighborhood while I did it, and other people did not even enter my mind. When I was 12 and my perp taught me to think about girls when I did it, I thought that was the greatest invention ever.

So if Dave or your boyfriends and husbands think about stuff like that, I think I understand now that it doesn't mean that they are gay, I am not sexually attracted to trees or street signs or asphalt or grass and those were the things I was looking at and thinking about while I masturbated at the age of 11, but I'm sure images like that go through my mind sometimes.

When I first found this web site I couldn't understand how somebody could have fantasies like that and not be gay, but thinking about my own abuse experience, I can understand it now.

MO Healing

#65773 - 04/29/03 12:20 AM Re: Encouragement & Insight Needed
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
the 'simplicity' of your experience is astonishing, it's what we first learn isn't it ?

one other thing about oral sex is that we can disconnect easier, if we are having sex in a regular position we look at each other, and connect more- as Tom points out so well.
But if we are plagued with doubts and fantasies, and we haven't learnt to overcome them yet, then in order to 'use' then we need to disconnect from out partners and let the fantasy run free.
And that's a damn sight easier when we're not looking our partner in the eye.

It's hard to whisper "I love you" and have the image of another man's bits in your mind :rolleyes:


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#65774 - 04/29/03 02:24 PM Re: Encouragement & Insight Needed
Tom S. Offline

Registered: 04/15/03
Posts: 161
Loc: Nashville, Tn
I suppose an individuals sexual response is learned from many factors during development years like what gender the experiences were with, the body parts used, and how they were used, age of individual and the partner/offender, willingness to engage, and etc. And the mental images that all this leaves can be a blessing or a devestation..
The image of 'another mans bits' can be quite distressing alright. But the image of oral, or PIV in other than frontal position, or whatever can be to another as well. One responds favorably to what was taught to be pleasure, and unfavorably to pain.
Personally, I have had a panic attack triggered from a particular sensation that occured while in a certian position.
I believe you are all to correct about mental images, not just in sex, but in a persons whole daily life. Insecurity like a baby sucking it's thumb is my response from mental images.

Tom S.

' None are so enslaved as those falsely led to believe they are actually free '

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