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#6567 - 04/17/03 11:45 PM New and having a difficult time
jalcnlmcl2003 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/17/03
Posts: 8
Loc: Texas
I've been reading the board for a few months now, and am needing to reach out and find someone that can help me deal with some things. I am in therapy, both individual and marriage. I'm not ready to share my story, but I need some help believing that I can get through this. I've spent more than 20 years building a wall around and coping with my past, and am only now trying to deal with it. It has caused severe problems with my marriage. My wife is trying to be supportive, but she is stuck in the past, trying to justify every question she has had over our 8 year marriage. I am having a VERY difficult time trying to tell her what I'm dealing with without feeling judged and prosecuted. Please help, I need words of encouragement and any suggestions you might have. What is working in your therapy. How are you coping? How have you worked through your issues and still maintained your marriage? I have a four year old daughter, but because of my past, I'm not really a father. I'm just a by stander. Help?

#6568 - 04/18/03 12:32 AM Re: New and having a difficult time
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
you're no longer a 'bystander' welcome.

I know you will find support and help here, you must have seen it if you've been watching the site for a while. Thank you for trusting us.

There is hope, we can heal. And together we make it easier.

It's late here in the UK and I have an early start tommorrow, so I'm not ignoring your many questions.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#6569 - 04/18/03 01:33 AM Re: New and having a difficult time
Cement Offline

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California

Although, as Dave says sometimes, the reason you are here is not a happy one, we are very glad to see you.

I have been with my wife for five years and disclosed the true nature of my abuse last year. We have been in and out of therapy together, we get individual therapy weekly. It has brought us closer together.

She was scared as shit at first, and yes, I felt persecuted, misunderstood, angry, I cannot even think of all the things I felt. She wanted to leave, still can't understnad why I have these feelings or what they mean, and neither can I, but we are staying together.

My advice is to get therapy, especially individual. Tell her stuff, but not everything; she will be or is in shock, what she thought she knew is not exactly the way it is, BUT THAT WILL BE OK.

Work, work, work...and keep coming here. I have gotten great answers to tough questions here. I have said things here that have helped me tremendously.

Best of luck,


And let the darkness fear our light.

#6570 - 04/18/03 01:44 AM Re: New and having a difficult time
Wuamei Offline

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
J, glad to see ya post.

As far as marriage, I've had to balance wanting to be understood with understanding. Like, realizing that the knowledge & effects of my abuse
for sure are harder on me, but they are very hard on my wife as well.

A couple nights ago, after knowing about my abuse for nearly 2 years, my wife cried & said "I hate your mother [my primary perp]; I feel like she took our life from us!"

I held her and told her it feels like that but it doesn't have to be that way & it won't.

BTW I've been married 23 years. It can get better.


"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

#6571 - 04/18/03 05:50 AM Re: New and having a difficult time
Ivanhoe Offline

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Hey, Jal,
Here's a place that you can let down--relax a little and talk your heart out if you can. I've got to tell you that after having struggled with the issues of my past, and having had therapy, finding this site is like recaliming some of my youth. Most of the guys here have had more experience than a lot of us and they're willing to listen and encourage while still working on their own lives. It's your turn to engage any one of us, or as many of us you want to in the chat room. We're there for you. Try out some of your story on us and see how it goes. I know that you may want to run around and hide behind your computer screen after you've "said" it. I think that you'll like the response that you receive. Kinda surprising, actually, that people like us sit around saying and hearing the most intimate and painful details and respond with love and encouragement. Go ahead, it's your club, too, take the floor anytime you want to. One of your new, big--certainly older--brothers, David

"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot


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