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#65668 - 04/18/03 02:56 PM I'm new to all this...
willowtree Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/18/03
Posts: 2
Loc: australia
Dear All,
Do any other partners of male sexual abuse survivors find that their partners tend to need to be alone for a couple of days, especially after they are very intimate? It's almost like for every day we get closer, he needs a two day break to recover. Does this stage pass? Can anyone else share their experiences? Thanks I'm new to all this and trying to understand as best I can (and be patient!)

#65669 - 04/16/04 06:33 AM Re: I'm new to all this...
MikeNY Offline

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
That's because it does freak him out. \:\(

There are multiple inner conflicts that arrise. including wanting to love and trust -vs- pain associated with the abuse of trust from the past.

"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

#65670 - 04/16/04 02:20 PM Re: I'm new to all this...
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Another thing. Deep inside we feel that we are worthless and do not deserve good things whether it be in the form of a partner or good sexual relations. It has to do with self disgust and the need to reconfirm our belief that we are worthless. So in my case I would set about to knock myself down and attempt to destroy the good things.



#65671 - 04/16/04 07:37 PM Re: I'm new to all this...
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA

If by "new to all of this" you mean that you've just found out that your partner is a survivor, then there may be another reason he's trying to "manage" your intimacy levels this way.

Those first few conversations after my boyfriend disclosed to me were very difficult and draining for him, and although there was no sex taking place those days, there was a lot of very emotionally intimate contact. These conversations (and most of the hours surrounding them) left both of us needing some time to ourselves, but him a lot more than me.

Also he may have some fears that you will see him only as a survivor--if your intimacy with him brings up feelings or memories of his abuse, he is probably going to try and hide that from you, so that you can keep seeing him the way you always have. This stage probably will pass once he realizes that his disclosure has not changed him forever in your eyes--that now that you know his past you don't think he's worthless and disgusting. Bear in mind that even if you know it would never occur to you to think this way, you'll need to prove it to him. If he can't take intimacy, let yourself be just his friend. After disclosing to you, he probably wants one.

good luck

#65672 - 04/19/04 02:19 PM Re: I'm new to all this...
PAS Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
From my experience, yes my partner does have to be alone after certain types of situations that create emotional reactions.. whether it be a series of bad fights, after being intimate, etc. It all does have to do with the fact that this all does freak him out and he has to go away and process it. Its not personal - actually my counsellor indicated that it may be an indication that my partner cares about me a whole lot, otherwise if I didnt mean much to him he wouldn't be so freaked out.

With time and counselling and work on PTSD/desensitization, analysis of triggers, etc yes this does seem to be easing but it has been a year or more for us.. I know that sex has been a major trigger for him ever since his abuse experience as a teenager and it still is now at age 35. I have to accept that its not going to go away overnight... but I am happy with small victories which I am seeing.

So, all in all, its not such a bad thing, as long as theres no active "acting out" or addictive or abusive behaviour coming from your partner, this is not a bad place to be.

Patience is the key, letting this unfold at its own pace, not trying to force anything to happen before its own time.

#65673 - 04/19/04 05:55 PM Re: I'm new to all this...
Caetel Offline

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
Thank you for this post because I feel I am a prisonner of that pattern too.
Though the rythm seems to have been different with my love, clearly our intimacy triggered something BIG. He has been running away since though at some point it seems that my support was helping him a lot.
I am trying to be patient but it's hard when patience is tied to uncertainty about his feelings, about his wants and his therapy. I know about my wants and needs and feelings, and that's a big progress already !!!!
Love and blessings

Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !


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