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#65616 - 04/17/03 05:25 PM Anger and Jealousy...Easier to Read than the first one
teimosa Offline

Registered: 04/07/03
Posts: 33
Loc: LA
I will be flying out to see my BF tomorrow. Last night we talked for about 2 hours. During the conversation I started to get really tired (After all, for the past month we have been pretty much staying up all night talking).

Now, fortunately for him , he works in the late afternoons sometimes, so even when we get off the phone at 6 or 7 am his time (3 or 4 am my time) he still gets to sleep for at least 5 or 6 hours (not all the time, but sometimes). I have to be at work at 7:30 am each day (M-F). I really don't have a lot of leeway to take days off becuase I am in somwhat of a supervisory position on my job (my job is very important to me. I am also fairly new at my site).

So for the last 4 weeks I have been operating on 3 or less hours of sleep each night. Last night I told my BF that I had to go to bed early (1 am) becuase I was going to be on the road quite a bit today (yesterday, I felt like I could barely drive in to work). He sounded disappointed, but bid me a good evening. After that he called me 2 more times sounding really hostile. He questioned my whereabouts over the last 2 days. He questioned who he heard calling me on the phone while I was talking to him. (I usually talk to him on my cell, he heard my home phone ring while he was on the phone with me, I usually don't answer my home phone becuase few people have the number. It's usually a wrong # when someone does call).

I felt kind of scared becuase he sounded so angry. He wasn't shouting, but you could feel the turbulence under the surface. I recounted my activities for the last few days. It just so happened that last night I came home and watched a movie while I was waiting for him to call. During the movie, a friend of mine stopped over (incidently, she is going to be getting up at 4 am to take me to the airport). She stayed for about half an hour and left.

When he called to question me about my acitivities and whereabouts (mind you, I haven't been doing much other than going to work becuase we spend anywhere between 5- 9 hours on the phone each night) he was suspicious of the fact that I told him that I was tired and sleepy, yet was able to watch a movie without falling asleep (mind you I didn't watch the entire movie) He then asked me if I was alone watching the movie (obviously someone had captured my attention enough to keep me awake...I guess he felt that I should have taken that time to nap, that's just my assumption).

Though I don't lie to my man and am open honest and up front with him, I chose to tell him that I was alone becuase I could not afford to sit up all night talking to him about a friend dropping over to chat with me for a little while. I feel really badly about this becuase I don't want to feel like I have to lie to my man, but at the same time, I can't always sit for hours and discuss/argue about the fact the he feels threated by any one how spends any time with me.

I don't know how to handle the issues that he has with me having friends. It really scares me and brings up past issues for me. My mother kept us all (including my father) completely isolated from friend (and family...) She didn't like people coming over and she always said that friend were useless. I felt that she used isolation and a means to control and manipulate us.

I think that isloation is very dangerous. So, the idea that my mate is trying to isolate me makes me very nervous. I have been in relationships in the past where I have allowed my mate to retrict my social growth and development (in one instance, the relationship became physically abusive).

I know that I have a history of abuse and abusive relationships, my BF has also had experiences with abusive relationships. This fear kinda sticks in the back of my mind.

When he asks me what I am going to do about the fact that he is uncomfortable with my friends, I don't know how to answer that, and I feel threatened when he asks me that. If I tell him that I feel threatened he says that its becuase he feels threatened....I am not really sure what to do here.

Peace and and light

#65617 - 04/21/03 04:15 PM Re: Anger and Jealousy...Easier to Read than the first one
Freedom Offline

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Hi Teimosa,

Trust is a difficult thing to learn. But I believe it can get better with consistent behavior. This sounds like a complicated situation - your (Teimosa's) issues, his issues, your (Teimosa + BF) issues.

I hope your visit shed some light on your concerns.


Life is moving on. AM I?

#65618 - 04/23/03 02:48 PM Re: Anger and Jealousy...Easier to Read than the first one
PAS Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Hi - I'm kind of struggling with a similar issue right now - Its totally understandable and commendable that women like us try to be there for those guys that we love and who have been abused, however....

its very important to draw the line between "effects of SA" and "abuse in the relationship". If your BF is trying to control you and who you see, and your friends, thats out of line and he needs to know that. WE are not doing our SA boyfriends any favours by allowing them to be abusive and get away with it. Sometimes calling someone on their shit is the most loving and supportive thing you can do for them (and for yourself). The hard thing is that with this tough love behaviour there are no guarantees that your relationship will survive. but people DO need to learn limits of acceptable behaviour.

Lately my BF has been somewhat verbally abusive and I have told him that, and that I am not prepared to put up with it. I am also at the point where I am ready to give this relationship a break (until he is well into his anger management program - he is currently on a waiting list) if he does not wish to stop his destructive behaviour.

You may wish to point out your concerns to your BF at this point, let him know that he is bordering on abuse, and that you will be there for him but he cannot abuse you (forced isolation is abuse). I can't recall in your post if he is in therapy or not - if he is not I would let him know that you do think he could benefit from therapy (I am a jealous person and realized long ago that jealousy (In this particular relationship I am in, not others) comes from within ME and it is not the fault of someone else and it is MY shit I need to get together).

I do think that perhaps you need to draw a few lines with him - do it gently, be prepared for some "fighting back" when you do it, but you do need to let him know when his behaviour becomes unacceptable.


#65619 - 04/23/03 10:34 PM Re: Anger and Jealousy...Easier to Read than the first one
teimosa Offline

Registered: 04/07/03
Posts: 33
Loc: LA
Thanks Soccer,

I have been talking to my man alot about friendships since I have been here visiting him this week. We both have had issues with friendships and I know that he has alot of distrust when it comes to those things. He ins well aware that my friendships will not be eliminated, but we are wokring through the reasons that friendships are such a problem. I think he is clearer today than he was a week ago, why I feel friendships are important. He still feels uncomfortable about it, and it will take time, but he is hearing me. He is really incredible in that way. He really listens. When i am very clear and complete in explaining my point of view he will hear what I am saying and really take the time out to think about it and come back with some sort of well thought out response (even if it takes a couple of days). For instance, he told me the other day that he wasn't particularly comfortable with the idea of me having a roommate, but today he understands why it is necessary and will work on his feelings about that...I call that progress! He knows that I am completely committed to the success of our relationship and that I would never do anything to hurt him. For this reason (becuase he sees that I am being completely honest and vulnerable to him, he is encouraged to be the same way with me). I know that the road will have its snags and issues, but I really have faith and confidence that we will be ok...(We also are conginzent of the fact that 3,000 miles of distance between us presents signifiant would even in a relationship that doesn't included the significant issues that ours has....) We are going to be doing something about that hopefully within the next couple of months.

Peace and and light


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