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#65448 - 03/02/05 05:12 AM Just found out
tomswife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 2
Loc: CA
This is my first post. I’ve kind of been reading through the posts, but wanted to get some feedback on my situation.

First, my husband is an alcoholic, and has been sober for almost 3 months, and is in an inpatient rehab.

I found out 6 weeks ago that he had had multiple (at least 12) one night stands throughout our 14 year marriage. Needless to say, I am devastated to say the least. Absolutely shocked, and was deciding on whether to divorce or try to work on our marriage.

Two nights ago, while talking about the unfaithfulness, I got mad because he wouldn’t answer my questions. His answers were, “I don’t know why it happened. I just wanted sex”. But of course I was not satisfied with that answer. I still am not sure if that was the reason, or what. Although, he has been VERY remorseful. Then the next morning, he woke me up early, and told me that when he was 6 years old he sucked another 6 year olds dick. And that one of the 5 hookers he was with was a guy dressed like a girl, and that he was just trying to picture him as a girl, but he knew it was a guy. That was about 13 years ago. I really wasn’t that shocked. He has said that almost all of the one night stands were when he was drunk. I told him that it was normal that 6 year olds “experiment”. And I have no idea what was with the transsexual situation. I also had previously known that he had sex with his female babysitter when he was 10 years old. He has told several people about the babysitter, matter of factly. I thought about what he told me later that day, and am wondering if he has been going through life as a sexually abused child. I read up on it, and the long term effects include several things that my husband has: fear, anxiety, depression, inappropriate sexual behavior, poor self esteem, tendancy toward substance abuse. He has all these things, and is dealing with all of these things while in rehab.

I suggested he tell his psychiatrist. Because I just don’t know about it. I’m not even sure if he realizes it was sexual abuse. Is this normal. I did ask him if he was gay, and he said no. I do believe him because from what I’ve read so far, it sounds pretty normal.

I do know that I wouldn't divorce him now that I know. I would at least hang around until he is more "recovered", and support him any way that I could. But it is hard to support him when he has cheated on me. (Anyone who has been cheated on KNOWS how much this hurts). Not hard to support him exactly, more hard to be loving to him, and I'm sure this is a time when he needs it most. Should I just suck up my feelings and support him. If I do, I feel like I'm just being a doormat. And of course all of the "affair" books that I have been reding are saying to take care of myself, but now I feel like he needs my support more than I need to be supported. Really screwed up right now.

Any advice or suggestions would be great. VERY new to this. God, you think you know someone………..

#65449 - 03/02/05 05:41 AM Re: Just found out
ShyBear Offline

Registered: 02/08/05
Posts: 149
Loc: The American South

I know from my own life that a *single* incident of sexual abuse can be seriously damaging, so this may indeed be the case with your husband, and he may have repressed other memories, too.

The pain of SA drives many men to seek relief in drugs and alcohol, but true *addiction* is a different matter, though it may occur with, and be linked to, the SA.

Full blown addiction / alcoholism is a very serious condition in its own right that profoundly affects the spouse & children of the sufferer. You need support for yourself and any children regardless of your husband's recovery. I strongly suggest you check out Al-Anon, the sister organization to AA that specifically helps spouses/children of alcoholics. If you have any teenage children, there's also Ala-Teen.

Best of luck,

#65450 - 03/02/05 01:05 PM Re: Just found out
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA

I too find some of the "affair" stuff kind of irrelevant for spouses of sexual abuse survivors. Maybe irrelevant isn't quite the right word, certainly I get the same sense you seem to get from some of it about the priorities being different in this situation.

If you are reading through old threads looking specifically for answers you might want to try searching this forum for "infidelity" or "forgiveness" or something like that. I remember a very good thread on forgiveness from a long time ago but it's late, I'll have to find it another day.

ShyBear is right, the most important thing you can do is get help for yourself and your family-- and start setting some very firm boundaries. I wouldn't call anyone a doormat for loving someone deeply enough to grant real forgiveness-- accepting, caring, trust-building style forgiveness-- in fact that takes a great deal of strength. But forgiving the past does not mean excusing the behavior, expecting no accountability, condoning more of the same-- you are well within your right as a partner and still within the realm of forgiveness and support to say "No more." and mean it.

Take care,

#65451 - 03/03/05 02:42 AM Re: Just found out
Dan88 Offline

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
I would suggest that you get for your husband a copy of Patrick Carnes book "Out of the Shadows." You may want to read it, too.

I have no recommendation on whether you forgive, but whatever you do I think you should protect your own health and well-being and make sure that he is completely open about how he plans to address this.

#65452 - 03/03/05 08:28 AM Re: Just found out
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
you wrote
I told him that it was normal that 6 year olds “experiment”.... I also had previously known that he had sex with his female babysitter when he was 10 years old.
Couple of things to consider. It is very unusual for a 6 year old to want to suck on the penis of another child. Kids that age know little about sex and oral sex is too sophisticated a concept unless they were exposed to it previously. That is where you go to the bathroom. Nothing sexy about the penis at that age, and to put it in your mouth....

The other thing is that at age 10, it is unlikely he "had sex" with his babysitter. While kids that age are more knowledgable and sophisticated than six year olds, they generally don't know what to do or how to do it. They are guided, taught, manipulated or coerced by someone older. He was abused, molested, used, misused or whatever term fits.

He should be talking to a therapist who knows about male victimization issues. Hopefully, he will find one or be referred after leaving the rehab.


Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#65453 - 03/04/05 06:37 AM Re: Just found out
tomswife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 2
Loc: CA
Thank you everone for responding. Also, Ken, you are absolutely right. I did find out that these occurences happened after watching his Dad's porno tapes. I believe he is getting treatment for the abuse as well as everything else.


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