I have realized something very interesting this week. Since I have been away from Lori, I feel BETTER?!......strong, liberated, peaceful, and empowered.
It was difficult to understand why I am feeling better when I am away from everything I Love. I thought last week that I could not survive without my home and family. I always viewed my home as my "safe zone", my children mean the world to me, and I have been in love with Lori since I was 17 years old (22 years), and to top it all off, I thought I had nobody else in the world to love and support me.
Well, as it turns out, my kids love me for me, not for the person who plays and cooks for them.
My "safe zone" turns out to be within ME.
I still love Lori, but I think we are just too different to be together. I like to treat her like a queen (and my kids like a prince and princess), and Lori does not like to be loved that way. She is far too independent and self centered to be comfortable being treated like a queen.
Also, just as my therapist said, I was using Lori as a crutch. When she was around I would desperately seek her attention. My therapist thinks thatís because I on some level want someone to take care of me....emotionally....perhaps because my parents never did (emotionally).
And as I have said in previous posts, there are LOTS of loving supportive people around me. I guess my isolation was self imposed!
I sought therapy to figure out my SA issues on 2-21-03, (7 weeks ago); I was going not because I suddenly determined I needed help after burring it all for 28 years.....I was going in hopes of saving my marriage. Well my marriage can not be saved, but I am SO glad I committed myself to this process because I have learned and grown SO much.
I hope my plight will give some of you hope. My path to realizing all of this "stuff" has been a rough one. 7 weeks of hell was well worth it because I learned these two (and so many more!)very important things:
1. I can be happy.......NO MATTER WHAT!
2. My life is beautiful because I accept it as it is.