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#65358 - 04/09/03 11:58 AM Intimacy - Getting Beyond the Comfort Zone
SandyW Offline

Registered: 02/25/03
Posts: 86
Loc: NJ
The comfort zone, which happens to be none, in most cases. So we are building intimacy from less than ground zero with very reluctant partners.

I've learned that one of the biggest obstacles in nurturing intimacy with my husband (incest survivor) is that he "doesn't like his body". He especially does not like his body to be unclothed. He waits till the last minute before sex to disrobe and asap after the act he jumps up and dresses again. I've given him specifics on how and why I like his body. Anyone know of how we can work on this?

Secondly, anyone have any experience in handling triggers during intimate contact? My husband either gets angry and/or "shuts off" completely. For example, a few weeks ago he got angry with me for "kissing him too agressively". I honestly thought it was more passionate than agressive as he seemed to be enjoying it up to the point where he got angry. (Very confusing on my end...)

Finally, any advise on nurturing intimacy in general?



#65359 - 04/09/03 02:42 PM Re: Intimacy - Getting Beyond the Comfort Zone
Sleepy Offline

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
I'm sorry that I cannot give you any advice but I can certainly relate to how you described your husband. I don't know if it is our similar backgrounds or if it is the nature of SA in general but I can understand your husband completely. The bad body image, kissing, all that stuff. It just doesn't feel natural to let yourself get near someone. The sad thing is that you end up isolating yourself and feeling very lonely. I wish you the very best luck with this.
Take care,

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

#65360 - 04/09/03 02:52 PM Re: Intimacy - Getting Beyond the Comfort Zone
wifenneed Offline

Registered: 12/20/02
Posts: 96
Loc: Michigan
My husband refuses to see the he is an attractive man, and really does not like it when I call him handsome, but I will never stop! He takes great care in his dress, grooming, and lifts weights and is very attractive, but I don't think he likes his body at all. He never seems to be pleased with his body. I see some of the same actions in him that you describe, but not all the time. Sometimes I can touch him, and sometimes not. Sometimes kissing is out of the question, even a hug. I am getting very skilled at gauging his moods, thank goodness, so that hopefully I don't do something he finds distancing or distasteful. It is workable for us, but I do still wish it never had to be this way.

Kathy \:\)


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