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#65124 - 03/30/03 04:18 PM 1st visit
Sum12Watch Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 15
Loc: NE
Hello, All. First time posting, so guess I am playing catch up with who has gone through what and whether or not I am alone in some of my feelings.

Its been a bad couple of weeks, and I am unfortunately getting the feelings and desires of giving up on this stuff. I have been dealing with recovery of an S/A for going onto 3 years now. Without boring anyone with detail after detail (though I could go on for hours about it), I'm having the feeling that there is a hell of a lot of secondary gain for the SA when they feel miserable.

I guess, what I am asking, have others found themselves or felt that the survivor sometimes gets locked into not trying to move forward? They seem to verbalize that they want to gain control,that they will do anything to not be a victim again, but don't really appear to do anything positive about taking control.


"Love yourself, like you want everyone to love you." - no author, just popped into my head tonight, plagarize the Golden Rule.

#65125 - 03/31/03 02:22 AM Re: 1st visit
standingtall Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/27/03
Posts: 2
Loc: australia
Hi Sum
Relatively new here too, altho my partner has been coming here for a little while now, so many names are familiar.
To your question. My experince with my hubby has elements of what you describe in your post. Certainly there are days when he feels like giving it all up, its too hard. I would say that is par for the course.
He has really only started working on himself fully and with committment recently after spending the best part of 39 years avoiding it so he has 39 yrs of feelings all trying to come out at once. His dreams/nightmares torment him at night and his feelings during the day. To say he is often overwhelmed would be an understatement.

Each person has their own journey some will take many years others a lifteime, for everyone though we have to understand that they are doing the best that they can for now, with the tools and help that they have now.
Sometimes i get frustrated when hubby goes into 'victim' mode, and i dont always come from my heart when this happens, i do sometimes "react". It doesnt help. Each time it happens i promise to do better next time. He's doing the same thing.We're both doing the best we can and we'll get there.
Right now we seem to be eating, living and breathing his recovery, our own healing. That too is ok. There's a lot happening and i know that over time the "obsession" will ease and a more natural rythym will return to our lives. Each day a little more light is shed even in the dark times, we're both better people for his healing.
The weekend was a great example of this. SAturday night we both felt as if our marriage was irretrievably lost, darkeness descended upon with frightening speed and took me with him. He left me in the middle of the night and i thought for sure that was the end, fini. Next morning after some uncomfortable moments we talked, cried, held each other. Do i wish he didnt go to those 'victim' places. Absolutley. Will it happen again? Sure it will. And hopefully i'll be there at the end of it, as i have been before. I love him, unconditionally. Thats why i'm here.......

#65126 - 03/31/03 02:41 AM Re: 1st visit
serafina Offline

Registered: 08/05/02
Posts: 36
Loc: Washington

I understand completely. I have been with a survivor for a couple of years. We have been apart for awhile for exactly this reason. He just quit. He was tired of the memories and talking about it and just started to fall back into old patterns. It was awhile coming, but I didn't really catch on for quite awhile. Now we are apart and he is just focusing on himself and getting through the last of it.

Everything StandingTall said in her e-mail is very true as well. There have been countless times where everything goes to hell and you think this is the end. He leaves or you leave and that is it because you can't take anymore and neither can he. In my experience, he doesn't want to be alone just is scared out of his mind, so he runs and comes back later all apologies. It sucks and it is hard to hear the constant "I'm sorries". I too sometimes get fed up and react and it makes everything worse. But as ST said you just do the best you can, and hope next time it gets better. It is a long difficult road-period. I think all of us wish that it weren't But they will get through it eventually, in their own time, that is what keeps me going and knowing how much I love him. Stay strong and take care of youself too.

#65127 - 04/04/03 04:14 AM Re: 1st visit
taipan Offline

Registered: 03/09/03
Posts: 57
Loc: CT
Sum, I am a SA survivor whose wife has just given up on him. If I can be any help to you I would like to.
From my stand point, it is pure hell trying to address my SA issues AND cope with loosing my wife who I love with all of my heart.
That said, it was my unwillingness to seek therapy and address my issues that ultimately caused her to give up. Now I cry EVERY day because I can't hold the women I love (and I so desperately need to!)
From my wife’s stand point she needed find her sanity and not become a victim herself. So she gave up on me and sought therapy for herself.
The realization of her leaving me and my feeling like my world was collapsing around me finally propelled me to seek therapy. I have now fully committed to doing what ever it takes to finally get though this and become a happy healthy person.
My advice to you is to insist that your SA survivor seeks therapy; there is no other way to do this. Your love and support will be invaluable....but remember you are NOT the therapist (your job is love and support) and you MUST take care of yourself.
If I can be of ANY help please ask. I've been facing my issues now for about 6 weeks after denying, hiding, coping and just trying to survive for almost 30 years. It is a hard road, but I have already made tremendous strides towards being happy and finding peace inside........which I pray will help mend my marriage (but that is beyond my control).
Best wishes to you and your survivor, Ed

#65128 - 04/06/03 11:56 PM Re: 1st visit
Sum12Watch Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 15
Loc: NE
If I may so forward. I read with empathy your reply to me and I so very much appreciate it.
My heart goes out to you. I know you want your marriage to continue and things to work. And my heart hopes and prays that it will. It is tough for both sides (God knows I am finding that)
What your wife was probably feeling is exactly why I joined this forum. I am also talking to someone with some regularity myself at my workplace. Not formal therapy at the moment, but trying to learn not to be too co-dependent. It is such a topic that seems to have so many directions. I have done tons of research since this started, and I still feel like a novice. It would be so much easier if there were simple answers. I guess that goes to what I am searching for, as well. Intellectually, I know that there will eventually be an endpoint, where we all move on with our lives, but damn....othertimes, you begin to wonder.
But, always be positive, my friend. Things will get better. And if I can help in my limited way, I will be happy to for you as well.

"Love yourself, like you want everyone to love you." - no author, just popped into my head tonight, plagarize the Golden Rule.


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