My partner, whom I love deeply, was sexually abused by his father for several years when my partner was a boy. He is now almost 42, sweet, loving, and very devoted to me. He has never been married and I am the first woman he's lived with in almost 10 years; in fact, ours is the only really serious relationship that he's had in that time. We've been together for 15 months and living together for the past six months, although we've known each other peripherally for several years now.
Anyway, I find him very attractive and desirable, yet our sex life is the one area of our relationship that consistently poses difficulties. Not surprisingly, given his history, he has numerous sexual inhibitions and problems that strike me as directly related to the incestuous abuse that he sufferred as a child.
He has problems getting and sustaining erections, has difficulties being truly intimate with me emotionally/sexually in bed, seems unable to enjoy learning about what pleasures me, hates any kind of talk during sex (reminds him of his dad), is repulsed by bodily fluids--especially on his face, gets angry whenever I try to discuss our sex life with him (no matter how or when I approach it), frequently seems to become "absent" during our love-making (becomes rather mechanical), is generally closed to any kind of sexual experimentation, usually avoids acknowledging any attempts on my part to initiate sex with him, is very quick to move on to non-intimate or solo activities after sex, etc.
Increasingly often these days, I feel like just giving up. He will not talk about these concerns, and flatly refuses to do anything like see a counsellor--or even read a self-help type book related to survivors of incest, intimacy, male sexuality, and so forth.
He also suffers from frequent nightmares, says he does not want to give or receive even non-sexual massages, hates having his face touched, appears to suffer from depression (though you wouldn't know it if you didn't know him well) and has a drinking problem, as well.
Before I go on any further, is any of this sounding familiar to anyone? I swear I've tried everything to be patient, understanding, supportive, etc, but I'm nonetheless starting to feel evermore resentful and angry towards him for his unwillingness to work with me on this. Please forgive me my frustration here, but to say that our sex life has been very one-sided would be an understatement. But what feels worse is the emotional isolation that I feel here. Please help!