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#64866 - 03/05/03 06:47 PM Games SA Play.
Focus Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/20/02
Posts: 7
Loc: East Coast
I have been wondering about something for a while and I decided to post and ask for your feedback. Please fell free to share.

I have been dealing with SA victim/survivor for a while. On occasion, he says he wants everyone to leave him alone but when we talk he always leaves the door open and there is a verbal or non-verbal message to keep the contact intact.

When I think about it, it seems a part of him feels that it is not acceptable to need anyone, yet another, childlike part does not want to be left alone.

The confusion comes in when I try to decide which part's wishes to honor. So far, I have been maintaining contact because I think there is a fear of abandonment. Yet sometimes I wonder... .

Thank you, Focus.

#64867 - 03/05/03 07:33 PM Re: Games SA Play.
SandyW Offline

Registered: 02/25/03
Posts: 86
Loc: NJ
Maintain contact not because he fears abandonment, but because you care. By the way, its not a game, its reality for them. They pull away because they feel they are unworthy of being loved or accepted. Hang in there and be his friend. He trusted you enough to tell you about the abuse and more trust will come with time.

#64868 - 03/06/03 01:36 AM Re: Games SA Play.
ecb Offline

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
Sandy is absolutly right here Focus.

I don't know your friend's situation exactly, but judging from my own experiences he pulls away because he does not feel like he is worth your time or attention, but he probably desperately wants to talk.

The best thing I can think of to tell him is that it that you don't mind talking about this with him, and that you are always there anytime he needs some emotional support, and then be there for him if he takes you up on it. Don't force him to talk if he doesn't want to, just let him know that it's okay if he does and you are there for him.

This is what a friend did for me, and it made all the difference.

I hope this helps.

#64869 - 03/06/03 01:51 AM Re: Games SA Play.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
we need all the help we can get, I'm not in the least bit ashamed to admit that as a survivor.

But we can be so unpredictable. One minute we're appreciative then the next we want to be alone and angry. At least this is how was / am.

It's a balancing act that I guess you wont get right every time. My wife didn't, but I must say she's getting better ;\)
Don't beat yourself up if your support seems to be rejected, if 10% gets through it's worth every bit of effort.

In my heart I now appreciate every scrap of effort everyone made with me. It's taken time for me to realise this, and I've pissed people I love off on the way, but our support means everything to us.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#64870 - 03/06/03 08:46 PM Re: Games SA Play.
moo2 Offline

Registered: 01/31/03
Posts: 82
Loc: pottsboro,texas
Keep in contact with him + let him talk when he feels like it. He will always push you away for now, but there will be a time when he truly needs to open up. Then every minute of your support to him will be worth it. Hang on. It will be a very bumpy ride :rolleyes: I just found out about my hubby [Mr Edd] since Jan.27th and it has been a very bumpy ride already. I have sort of tried to push my hubby emotionally, it does not work well. It is a balancing act, but just do your best.

#64871 - 03/08/03 04:59 PM Re: Games SA Play.
Freedom Offline

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US

I hear what you are all saying. I recall though someone's post that identified the three aspects of SA personality: the Natural Child, the Hurting Child, and one more I do not recall.

It seems one deals with each as it makes itself known. One encourages and nurtures the Natural Child, one comforts and goes through the pain with the Hurting Child.

I think the last one was the one who did the protecting and who later in life may cause problems through insisting on continually using the same familiar but now destructive methods. It seems this one may turn into a bully. Bullies may have to be challenged.

Recognizing personality aspects and motivations has been most difficult for me. And so much of my response often depends on that recognition.

In the meantime, what helped me is to know and respect my own boundries. I have learned to be consistent in enforcing those.

Peace to all, Freedom.

Life is moving on. AM I?

#64872 - 03/09/03 07:02 PM Re: Games SA Play.
Focus Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/20/02
Posts: 7
Loc: East Coast
Thank you all. I just need to take a deep breath or two. And focus on something else for a while.


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