I so clearly remember sitting in my former therapists office for the last time because I was getting ready to move to another state and she said the following to me. "As you continue to go further in your healing, new worlds and new opportunities will open up to you." Little did I know at the time just what that would mean. I was thinking about this some today and then I got reminded of it this afternoon.
I've put together a CD of my music which a couple of years ago, I would have never thought about recording anything I did, let alone put it together and let others hear it. I always kept my music to myself and only a select few very close, trusted, personal friends might have gotten a chance to hear it. And now, I am trying to find ways to launch it out in the world. It just amazes me that I was hiding this within myself for so long because I was afraid and I didn't think I was good enough (ah, my survivor traits).
Then I've gone from being afraid to walk outside of my door and dealing with anxiety, depression, suicide to now doing what I do, massage therapy. If that ain't a completely different change of course from one extreme to the other, I don't know what is. Yes, I've still got plenty of fears that I fight (and sometimes on a daily basis) but the thing is, I somehow got to the place I am at today. You couldn't have convinced me a few years ago that I would be doing this because I would have said you're nuts!
My next endeavor and direction that I am going in my life is I want to figure out how to incorporate massage with healing for survivors. I've been one of the hardest cases for this as I came all the way from total paralysis and no sense of touch to being able to do massage by a strong sense of touch that I have. I don't know how this is all going to work out because not much is being done in this or at least it isn't well organized yet. And I know that massage, as scary as it has been, has helped me tremendously in beginning to reclaim my body. Without it, I don't know where I would be and of course I do fully understand just how frightening and triggering it can be. So where this road will take me, I don't know right now.
But today, I secured a way to do chair massage at the next VOICES conference (Voices=Victims of Incest Can Emerge Survivors). It will be one of the first times that I have done chair massage on survivors in this big of an event. I don't know how it will all go and how it will be received, but I'm hoping that I can at least make a differance in one survivor. If only one, than it will be worth it to me. In addition to that, I will be doing a workshop on Relaxation which is sort of what got me to massage. So I'm looking forward to this and just doing it for myself well help me personally with my own growth. I learn so much when I intereact with people through massage.
But you know when I look back and some of this and when I read comments from those who are just starting out on the healing process, I can see progress. I know how hard it was for me at times when I suffered through the panic attacks to go into a store and buy groceries or go to work or when I had to sleep with every light on in the house or when I was afraid of everything or when I was so full of rage or even when I looked for ways each day to kill myself. And then I look at the opportunities and the new worlds that continue to open up and I sit in awe of the universe. I have no idea where the next few years will take me but I have a feeling, I ain't seen nothing yet.
I just wanted to write this because I know for some up here it is hard to see alot of what I write about. But I want you to know that if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep your sites looking forward, all of this stuff will become a distant view. It is a process and the process while painful and slow at times, does yield some pretty kewl things in life.
I used to think my life was ruined because of the abuse. Don't get me wrong as I would rather have not experienced all I did every day of my life, but I now realize that much of my positives and much of what I can do today were strongly influenced by the abuse. They have given way to some great things in my life and for that, I am able to give to others. I know it may sound strange but this part of my healing is beginning to fit together.
I celebrate with each and every one of you who have found this place and are moving towards healing in your own lives. That is strength that nothing in this world can match.