If I come across as a bit rattled and forget to add something important those who are better equipped should be along soon to help you further.
Until then perhaps I could suggest that taking a few big breaths to release your own tension for a place to start. If by any chance you are like me, I find when I am stressed out I tend to hold my breath, and my brain then gets starved for much needed oxygen, which I need to think with. I am in NO WAY minimizing with that suggestion. It is very true for me at least.
So now where do I start? We've done the GP, mental health route - they failed him, granted he never told the truth but I know he won't want to take that route. So how do I start looking for counselling? What does he need? How can I help him to start coping rather than hiding? I know that once we begin this process all the other problems will dissappate which is why its important to begin - but I just don't know how. I'm so scared for him. He told me at night when he goes to sleep he hopes he doesn't wake up.
Any advice. Please?
**the following is my opinion only!**
1) You've both already started and have been traveling this journey for some time. Your partner sharing with you has just finally come to the point where your partner felt safe, etc. enough to "tell the secret".
2) The GP/ mental health route failed him.... I dont mean to sound callous or even to send any type of minimizing or negative message re: the health care system -- however, we get back from any project what we put into the project -- he simply was not in a ready position to share, so not to entirely defend the GP/ Mental Health system but if they dont know all the info then the only true help they can give is what the client shares (a side note I have very serious personal problems with the USA medical health field so it was difficult at best to even try to find some neutral words for them).
3) How to look for counseling, you can search this site which has articles for guidance in finding counseling help. Or request thru your current GP a referral ... Please let me caution you here... ONLY your Partner can Heal Himself, YOU cannnot do IT FOR him/her. However YOU can find support for YOU, and YOU are very important to take care of for yourself through the next phase of this long journey.
4)what does he need? - he is the only one who can answer that, what does Starbuck need?
5) How do you start helping him cope rather than hide.... ONLY your partner can tell you that , again YOU cannot do this FOR him, he must do this on his own, .... look for a way for you to be supported so that YOU can Cope.
6)You said that you know that once you start this all the other problems will dissipate, I dont want to bring you false hope or shatter your dream , but NO ONE can ever know the "outcome" of the journey of healing. There are no set rules to ANY of this healing journey nor a time period.
7) How brave of you to share about how scared you are .... I still have many days that fear fills me, sometimes for fleeting moments, sometimes for weeks on end.
The pain in your heart must be heavy hearing the words "I hope I don't wake up".
For me personally my own experience -- my first reaction was "it hurts so bad that I am Not enough for him to want to live"..... and then again, being a survivor myself and living now with a terminal illness.....
I've said those exact words and found out far too late saying them aloud injured those who love/d/s me.... now I only say them in my prayers in my own head
Please know Starbuck, you are welcome to return here often and as much as you need. I care, and many others care ..... You are not alone, and this partner stuff is mighty lonely business sometimes.
Others shall come along and bring you words of wisdom and hope.
Peace For Us All, Sammy