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#64514 - 01/18/05 12:54 AM Question to the Survivors
rparker030 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/17/05
Posts: 1
First of all, I would like to commend ALL the survivors in this forum and everywhere. I applaude you for for your strenght and resiliancy.
I have been knowing this guy for approximately two and a half years. We would often have long talks on the phone or at a park during the summer. He has never tried to touch me physically. When I ask him about his family history, he told me that his mother never wanted him as a child and he comes from a very disfunctional family although he hasn't gotten into any details. Since Christmas, we have gotten closer. I bought him a teddy bear for Christmas because when we are together, I see a fragile little boy. He said that he liked the bear and since he has invited me over to his home. He has a very nice home. He purchased this home about two years ago when I told him that my ideal home would be a ranch style house in a suburb of Michigan (this is where it is). He is 38yrs old and has a good job. I have spent the night with him on approximately three occassions. All of which, we have never touched physically. When I told him that he makes me happy and it did not bother me because I have chosen to be celibate until marriage he allowed me to sleep in his bed (we did not touch). I am a social worker and I study human behavior which has caused me to do some research on his behavior. He does display characteristics of someone who may have been sexually assaulted and because I don't pressure him for sex, he is comfortable. He has stated that he is not gay. It's like he wants to have a normal life but it's some deep dark secret that is hindering him from doing so. Can you all give me some advice or share some if any similarities in your male-female relationship that could assist me? I feel that he trusts me and whatever it is, he wants to share. For now, I am consistant, patient, and I allow him to run the show. Please help. Thanks

#64515 - 01/18/05 01:07 AM Re: Question to the Survivors
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1984
Loc: Flint, Michigan
First of all, this should be in the Friends and Family forum. Soon it should be moved by one of the mods of this board.

Several things come to mind. More questions than answers. Nothing stands out to me as why you believe he could have been sexually assaulted/abused. What are these characteristics you say he is displaying? I am not familiar with any characteristics that are unique to SA or series of characteristics that every SA survivor exerts. Thus no SA syndrome.

Patient and consistent is all you can be, along with being supportive.

Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

#64516 - 01/18/05 01:08 AM Re: Question to the Survivors
reality2k4 Offline

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Please can I bring your attention to the rules of this forum.

You should not have posted this here

Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

#64517 - 01/18/05 02:37 AM Re: Question to the Survivors
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
I think Bill is right. Patience and supportive.



#64518 - 01/18/05 03:36 AM Re: Question to the Survivors
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Abuse? maybe, maybe not?
But somethings going on as he's told you about his dysfunctional family, whether anything sexual happened only he knows at the moment, and as you rightly say,

I feel that he trusts me and whatever it is, he wants to share. For now, I am consistant, patient, and I allow him to run the show.
this is the way to go.
When he's ready, he'll tell someone. I took 31 years, so settle in - it might be a time coming.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#64519 - 01/20/05 03:52 AM Re: Question to the Survivors
lostcowboy Offline

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
Hi Rparker030, while his behavior could be caused by SA, or growing up in a dysfunctional family , it could also be caused by shyness. Also some people have a condition called love-shy. Being that your friend is 38, it sounds like he is one of these love-shy people. You can go to to find out more on it. On the site click on the first link on the left, that takes you to the book (Shyness & Love: Causes, Consequences, and Treatment by Dr. Brian G. Gilmartin), you need the free Adobe reader to read it, you can get that from .

About me, I was raped at 11 by a stranger in a park. When I got back home my mother told me that her and my dad were getting a divorce. As I remember it that was the reason I never told my parents that I was raped, there were to many important things happening between them, I did not want to add my troubles to them. Later the sever shame that goes with being rapped kept my mouth shut. My mom remarried right away, to a man who was a violent drunk, every time he got drunk he would beat her up. Between my original family and the new family, I went to 14 schools between first grade and tenth grade. I never had a female friend let alone a girl friend, until I was 23. In 1992 when I read (The Shy Man Syndrome: Why Men Become Love-Shy and How They Can Overcome It by Brian G. Gilmartin) I knew that I fit a lot of the behaviors in the book. When you describe how your friend is behaving, you seem to be describing how I would behave in a like saturation. They say that women use non-verbal language to let the guy know it is ok for him to get close or closer to them. I have always felt that the women that I was attracted to were not interested in me, this could be true, or it could be that due to all the above I am not able to read the non-verbal signals that the women give out.
You did not say that you want your friend to get closer to you physically, but if you do, I think as hard as it is you are going to have to tell him verbally that it is ok for him to get closer to you physically. How do I say this in a nice way. First I would not have approached you and got to know you if I was not attracted to you. I can have all the male friends I want so much easier, I would not try to know you just to be your friend.
I know that the reason I cannot stand to have a man touch me is due to me being raped. But also I do not touch women, even though I want to touch women I am attracted to very badly. If the women were to start touching me it would be different. But that normally does not happen, I end up with women I would like to know, and sexy friends, that never know that I am attracted to them.

You told your friend,
When I told him that he makes me happy and it did not bother me because I have chosen to be celibate until marriage he allowed me to sleep in his bed (we did not touch).
Let me try to translate this for you.
(I told him that he makes me happy ), to me this means you want to be friends it does not mean you want to be his girl friend.
When you said this (I have chosen to be celibate until marriage), To me this means that you do not want sex until marriage. For me sex starts with touching, after you told me this I would not touch you, no matter how much I wanted to, until you gave me the OK to do so. He also may be afraid that if he ever started, he would not be able to stop, if you said no. I also have a lack of trust in myself.
It could be that he has tried to have sex with a girl before, which ended badly. The first 15 or so times I had sex I did not have a orgasm. I was worrying to much that I may hurt the girl. Once I was able to relaxe more, and worry less, I started to have orgasms.
I got to end this now, sorry it got so long,but I think I needed to talk about it.

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!


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