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#64493 - 01/17/05 05:51 AM Are those in need being scared off?
forlauren Offline

Registered: 10/11/04
Posts: 63
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Being a survivor and a person who has fought very hard for my own life, Iím not one to be easily frightened by differing opinions in a place as innocuous as a discussion forum. However, a lot of women really shy from confrontation or controversy, so that I wonder if those who might have posted in order to look for answers or update us on their current situations could have been frightened off.

Iím thinking in particular of two different mothers who have posted in recent months. I was highly disturbed by circumstances where these women were still planning to expose their daughters to known and confessed perpetrators of child sexual abuse. They were treated with a lot of sympathy, and then never returned. I think about those kids almost every day, and pray that those mothers will have the conscience to report back with something, anything. It should not matter if their news is positive, negative, or in between. Iím not going to call them out by posting their screennames, but I do wonder if anyone else is bothered as I am by this type of ďhit and runĒ posting. Iíve been ďspankedĒ mightily for updating & continuing to seek advice on a situation where I have ongoing concern for a child Iíve only met once in my life regardless of the fact that Iíve tried to make it clear as possible thereís no way Iíll forget about this little girl. What about the ďsensitivityĒ of these mothers who havenít had the courage to update us with anything at all?

If you are reading this and you are one of these mothers, please tell us something. I for one will reply with as much sensitivity to your situation as I can. Thank you.

#64494 - 01/18/05 03:24 AM Re: Are those in need being scared off?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Good question, and one I have wondered about for some time "do we scare people off?"

However, a lot of women really shy from confrontation or controversy, so that I wonder if those who might have posted in order to look for answers or update us on their current situations could have been frightened off.
I don't think it's just women who shy away from confrontational debate / argument.
Survivors often, very often, suffer from feeling so downtrodden and used that they also don't argue back. We will take the easy option and agree with everyone so as to not draw attention to ourselve.
Our self-esteem is in such tatters that we feel that our opinions can be of no possible interest or consequence to others.

Of course the opposite can also apply and we can be so argumentitive that it's unhealthy for us, but my rough guess is that most of us fall into the first category, certainly in the earlier stages of our recovery.

That's the reason ( I believe ) that so many people come here, post one or two messages then go away.

We have a couple of thousand people registered in the control panel and about fifty regulars at any one time. There are names in there I've never seen a post from, but they came and took the time to register for a reason. I can only hope that what the read here helped them, and hope that one day they'll be back.

Sometimes the person that posts just a few things just needs somewhere to think out loud on one particular thing.
Whether the answers and opinions they get are the right ones or the wrong ones we can't tell, we don't have their answers. All we can do is offer 'our opinions' and support, which I think we do very well and with some degree of authority based upon our expereinces - both as Survivors and Partners.

The two mothers in question might have got the help they needed, I hope they did. But we might have given them 'answers' they didn't want to hear.
There's always the risk that people come here ( or anywhere else for that matter ) looking for validation of their already formulated 'answers'
And if they're challenged by us, then they will either react by leaving or arguing.
"Can we win?" not all the time, we never will.
"Do we care?" yes, of course we do, and because we care we do the best we can.

I sincerely hope that you continue to care about the safety of the young girl in your family, and I'm sure you will.
I also hope that you don't "hit and run" either.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau


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