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#64432 - 01/15/05 02:56 AM misplaced anger
Caetel Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
Hey !
I need a little bit of insight here 'cos recently the man I love exploded in verbal abuse by mail calling me "a bitch" after receiving my Christmas present and accusing me of something that I thought we had dealt with 8 months ago. He (at that time) pretended he did not love me anyway. I felt horrible at first when I received his mail because I sent the present out of genuine love, aithout any expections apart from wanting him to be happy at Christmas. But I had the odd gut feeling that the anger was not directed to be but to his mother who abused him. In the last months, my love has got himself in a relationship with a girl who keeps humiliating and manipulating him. It looks to me that at the moment he is realizing how much he got used and abused and he is reacting to that.
Of course I am protecting myself right now, I did not respond his mail because obviously he is not willing to discuss anything and there I am, stuck, powerless, trapped. Whatever I do is wrong, whatever I say is wrong, I lose every time.
I love him and I can feel his pain, his sadness and his anger. I am overcome again by rage against his mother. I know I can't help him right now, he's got to face all this shit on his own but I would like to understand more about this misplaced anger.
Thank you

_________________________
Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !

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#64433 - 01/27/05 12:18 AM Re: misplaced anger
Caetel Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
Hey !
I am bringing this topic up again because I need more insight. I am stuck into a "fear mode" now which seems irrational. It got triggered by my friend verbal abuse but is also connected to memories of my own abuse which resurfaced a few days before his e-mail.
I am now scared of him though I don't want to be and I know I have been left with confusion between my friend and my father who abused me. I know V., my friend, is a good person and that my fear is irrational. I would like to understand his rage and have a solution so we can go back to a place where at least we can start communicating again in a positive way.
Thank you for your support here.

_________________________
Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !

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#64434 - 01/27/05 03:00 AM Re: misplaced anger
FastForward Offline
Member

Registered: 08/10/04
Posts: 188
Loc: US
Hi - Sometimes anger is directed at someone we feel safe with. THose are the people we know will not abandon us when we get angry. WE try yo communicate through anger.

I hope you can deal with your feelings first before you try to decide how to respond.

Peace.

_________________________
FastForward

L&P - always.

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#64435 - 01/27/05 03:18 AM Re: misplaced anger
sunshine2 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/23/05
Posts: 16
Fastforward, while I understand what you're getting at - anger directed at someone you feel safe with - how is that fair, though?

Yes, family and friends should be willing to accept a certain degree of anger in their loved one, it's to be expected, but when that anger is so harshly directed at us, how can they possibly expect us to be a good support? How is making us hurt a good thing?

I recently posted regarding something like this and I got some great replies regarding boundaries and the reality that just because one is a victim, that does not give him/her the right to be abusive to somebody else. How much leeway are we expected to give in a scenario such as this?
I can certainly deal with him being upset with others but him lashing out and calling me a bitch or something when I said something that he didn't agree with was threatening and rude. From the sounds of your post, you believe that family members and loved ones are just supposed to take that behavior?


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#64436 - 01/27/05 04:48 AM Re: misplaced anger
Caetel Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
Thank you for your answers. I have been trying to retreat to a very safe place: my small appartment and my solitude. I agree that anger is a way to tell something where how can I build from that ? I will not abandon him but he doesn't start to believe it where can we start trusting each other ? Trust is the core issue. Since he does not trust me, he doesn't trust I love him trully so he cannot even comprehend he has been hurting me. I have dealt with my co dependency behaviours a long while ago so I don't want to play the victim or the agressor in this twisted scenario. So far some of my friends have answered his violent e-mail, telling him a few lessons I guess. I have not because I don't want to play the victim and also because I want an explanation face to face in the REAL life. It is too easy to play the bastard on the net and get away with it. I believe each of us must take responsabilities for our actions. I will not put myself at risk in any case though I know V will never hurt me physically.
Thank you again for your insights
Caro

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Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !

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#64437 - 01/27/05 12:40 PM Re: misplaced anger
Emerald Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 21
Loc: here
Quote:
I love him and I can feel his pain, his sadness and his anger. I am overcome again by rage against his mother. I know I can't help him right now, he's got to face all this shit on his own but I would like to understand more about this misplaced anger.
Here's what I believe. It's twisted. If he feels something for someone, then all the emotions come up. He can't feel the love without also feeling the hate. And so he gets mad and pushes away the person that brings up these feelings in him. That's you. The closer you are, the more he feels, the more he has to push away to stop the feelings. He can be with someone who doesn't evoke those feelings ... someone who manipulates, uses, whatever. His anger at his mother is directed at you because caring for you brings out those feelings of anger. You didn't cause this and you can't cure it. Does this make some sort of sense to you? My ex was also incested. It's a tough one and took me a long time to finally GET this it's so backwards.


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#64438 - 01/27/05 05:29 PM Re: misplaced anger
FastForward Offline
Member

Registered: 08/10/04
Posts: 188
Loc: US
Emerald - Yes, it does. That is the sad part of it all. It seems to keep the surviving person in a never-ending hell.

S2 - It is not fair but I am told neither is life. \:\) Seriously, boundaries are a good way to start but they may be just as confusing and emotional in the initial stages especially.

I suppose we all learn how to respond to life's events. Some are good others not. Relearning the bad ones is a chore. It takes time and anger may not disappear all at once. So sometimes, the best we can do is learn to come with it initially while focusing on the progress the struggling person is making. Emphasiszing that is good for both sides. That and learning to communicating better. \:\)

Peace.

_________________________
FastForward

L&P - always.

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