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#64326 - 02/01/03 04:07 PM what to do
crushed Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/27/03
Posts: 4
Loc: FL
To all of the wives of victims:
I have questions for you,
How do you get over your husband acting out with other men?
How do you stick by him and support him while he has been having secret 'affairs' on the side?

My instinct tells me to leave, if he had cheated with other women, I would not be staying. Why should I stay now, what is the difference? It is all the same, man or woman lover - am I right? Someone please give me some answers.


#64327 - 02/01/03 05:17 PM Re: what to do
Wifey1 Offline

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
I dont have any real words of wisdom for you of "how to get over" the betrayal. For us as support givers to our survivor partners its as hard of a road as it is for our survivors.
For me what I have done tho' is I re entered therapy with my own therapist. He sheds light on my questions & concerns and supports ME faithfully.
I am still very new at this side of the coin, because I am a survivor of abuses SA included. My own lines get very blurry as to what are his issues and what are mine.
When I found out about hubby2's actions (charged with rape) I packed up & left for my best GF's. Stayed for a week & got my own place during that time. We are still living in seperate homes -- but have contact on a daily basis. WE TALK, and sometimes we have to tell each other we aren't in a space to talk just yet because we haven't figured out WHAT exactly is bothering us.
We haven't entered marriage counseling yet, for a multitude of reasons -- but basically after my T appt yesterday for ME it boils down to I am still just plain pissed off at him. It has been over a year since we split, but only a couple months since I found out about his sex addiction.
Support for YOURSELF is very important in this process. We as partners cant do anything magical to change our partners, or their past. However we can have impact upon ourselves.
Allow yourself to be angry -- there is betrayal feelings no matter whether your partner was having sexual activity with a live person, the computer screen, or masturbating excessively.
Only you can answer your questions for you -- there are no hard & fast rules for being supportive or healing with SA.
Keep coming back --- and sending warm thoughts for you.. May Peace Fill Us ~ Wifey1

#64328 - 02/01/03 11:09 PM Re: what to do
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
When my wife discovered I'd been acting out with other men, and I'd explained everything I possibly could - she already knew about my abuse but it was only weeks previously I'd disclosed that- she said the most magical thing I've ever heard.
"It wasn't you doing that, it was those bastards that led you there"

Am I a lucky guy ? You bet I am.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau


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