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#6421 - 04/17/03 10:19 PM Confused
Emmanuel Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/17/03
Posts: 6
Loc: PA
I have been a closeted person for many years. my abuse first took place when I was 11. I remember the other older boys that I used to play with who took pleasure in fondling me and asking me to do certain favours for them. I also remember the taunting from those sames boys in public calling me a fagot and beating me up on some occations. I always was a pleaser growing up. I always tried to make friends with everyone. I never wanted to have someone looking down at me so I did many things without thinking about the consequnces.

Some of the abuse I dealt with was forced and more over I don't like to go into it. I remember being cornered in the locker room by a group of guys in junior high making advances at me and some touching me in my private areas. I remember sitting on the bus and having one of the guys who I though was my friend grope me and feel me up asking me to let him perform oral sex on me. There are many other times that I expierenced other forms of abuse that I didn't relise was abuse until I began therapy. I am trying to better understand my past and deal with it. I have masked allot of things that happened and it seems that they are coming to surface now in my life. I sometimes wished that I never remembered them. But it is my life and I have to deal with what I have been dealt.

I am married and have been for 5 years now. My wife knows of my issues with my sexuality and it has almost broken us apart. I have always loved women. I also have a strong attraction for men as well. My therapist says that since I had my first sexual expieriences with men that that is the cause for my attraction. But I do question that. Was I born this way? Why did the people who did what they did feel the need to choose me? Why can't or why couldn't I be a normal guy like the rest of the kids growing up? Was it my abnormality that brought on what I went through. I have had these questions floating around inside of me for months now. It is just now this year that I am actually acknowledging the abuse that I went through growing up. I don't know. But I do know one thing. It hurts...


#6422 - 04/17/03 10:33 PM Re: Confused
Sick Puppy Offline

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
Hello Emmanuel,

Check your thread in Gay Survivors for my reply. \:\)

And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see

Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

#6423 - 04/17/03 10:39 PM Re: Confused
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Your post touched me deeply, I had the same kind of experience with older boys at school. I was the same age as well.
And like you I questioned my sexuality because I fantasized about sex with other men. In the end I did act out with men.

But the main difference is I waited until I had been married for 25 years and was 46 yo before I broke my secret. That was about 4 years ago, and I have moved on considerably since then, recovery IS possible.

The guilt you feel about being "born this way" and all the other crap you feel is unfortunately 'normal' for us, but not cast in stone - we can change it.

The first and possibly most important thing we have to do is accept that we need to deal with it.

But it is my life and I have to deal with what I have been dealt.
And you've made that decision already, welcome to MS - a great place to get help and support.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#6424 - 04/17/03 10:52 PM Re: Confused
Ivanhoe Offline

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Welcome, Emmanuel,
I think that you're our newest member. Wasn't that long ago that I came here. All of the brothers here welcome you to the "club house," and hope that you'll feel enough at home to share with us your life and how you're living it. From your first post, it looks like you're on the right track seeking help through therapy and coming here to share our company. One of the best things that I've heard here is for us guys to go easy ourselves. Easier said than done, eh? What I think the adivce means is that be aware that we're/you're going to feel more sensitive to issues personal to you--and some not so personal to you, maybe just things in general. Knowing that, you can prepare to try to go easier on yourself in situations that may hike you up. Take it easier, you might even want to plan your evenings instead of just letting them happen. And, if you've got enough flexibliity, try to work out your days in a similar manner. I don't mean to come off like the expert or anything, but when I learned that the truth may set me free, I also learned that it could scare me pretty badly, too. Good luck and blessings on your trek as you seek a more peaceful remembrance of those hurtful events in your past. Take a deep breath, this is now and that was then and you're here now and we're glad you've joined OUR band of brothers.

"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot


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