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#64111 - 01/09/05 07:19 AM Re: Question re site IDs?&how others feel-
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
I guess that I would say that I am against labels because I feel that they can be misleading and inaccurate.

What is most important is what's in a persons heart and their ability or willingness to express it.

By my comment regarding gender segregation, I meant only that F&F is the only forum where women are allowed to post.

Whether or not that gender based exclusion is right or necessary is not for me to decide. I am willing to accept the group will in this case.

However, creating barriers between survivors and their families and friends is not a part of my personal recovery. Male survivors must also learn how to exist with other male survivors much as families and friends do.

I think this discussion is a great example of how much our common interests coincide.

I appreciate all of you for the way you make me feel about myself.

Thanks again.


"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

#64112 - 01/18/05 03:58 PM Re: Question re site IDs?&how others feel-
An Offline

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
Just what I feared has happened! and I'm upset someones hurt now- By not knowing I was a F & F , a male survivor was responding to my writing thiniking I was a Male Survivor (just like I used to whenever I saw the Male Survivor member label when I was new) and he feels like I deliberately betrayed him which of course is very very upsetting to me. So I will say stronger now that I think we do need to know whose F&F in their role and this board and whose a MS. - WHENEVER IT'S SAFETY AND TRUST ISSUES I think it should be considered- everyone feeling safe here is too important.

I am feeling absolutely terrible right now cause I never dreamed it wasn't obvious that I was a female writing and now this guy feels betrayed- I don't understand why anyone considers it labeling in a bad way. I think a notation that says F&F makes sense- EVEN IF it's just by the MALE SURVIVOR MEMBER LABEL- because this guy was confused EXACTLY like i was when I came here and thought that meant a "Male" Male Survivor member- it's only logical!

I wish a moderator would just bring this up for the safety of the guys- i know they have the safety of knowing on the MS boards all are MS but since they're in the F&F boards too and we do PM them this confusion can happen-
the answer that after you read you can telll misses the heart of the problem- NEW people who we all know are the most vulnerable/tentative about being her are MISLED by that Male survivor member label - I know it's not the intention but it IS the result and obviously now, not just for me- i'm sad and upset that someone thinks I was trying to misrepresent myself as a Male Survivor- he doesn't even realize I don't put that label there- thanks

#64113 - 01/19/05 04:35 AM Re: Question re site IDs?&how others feel-
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
This is a problem we recognised a short time ago, and we have had a brief think about it on the Mod's forum. But as yet no decision as to what to do.

So, why not discuss it here ( I'll also post this on the Male Survivors Forum ) to see what comes up.

Do we want to add a small logo by our names denoting our sex, or do we feel that we're OK as we are?
That's if we can actually do it of course.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#64114 - 01/19/05 05:09 AM Re: Question re site IDs?&how others feel-
Wifey1 Offline

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
my suggestion for Identifying

1) posters displayed name
2) gender
3) survivor
4) Friend
5) Family
6) Also a listing of whether the displayed poster is a survivor of SA whether in the Friends and Family section or any other Section
7)paid member status

let the displayed name poster check as many areas that label them properly.


#64115 - 01/19/05 06:41 AM Re: Question re site IDs?&how others feel-
An Offline

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
I'd very much appreciate you explaining this on the male forum as I'm hoping the offended guy will see - I'm here as an F& F but I am also a grad student working on a counseling degree and the gentleman who felt betrayed feels now an Added DISTRUST of counseling since he knows I'm working toward that because he responded to my PMs several times thinking I was a Male Survivor because of the Male Survivor Member label- I just don't know why the administrators wouldn't see that that sort of misunderstanding is happening BY SITE DESIGN, even though it's not the site's intention- maybe the label should be for us F& F MS site supportor or something of that nature because who wouldn't think Male Survivor means male survivor.

I am most upset at having had a Detrimental contribution to someone I wrote because I'd felt so much for his situation . This fellow's CSA was by his mother.He now feels my misrepresentation is another mark of how women can't be trusted. I hope one of the men can explain this to him, as I know he does not wish to hear, and I think it's safe to assume, he would not trust the explanation from me. For me personally I'm just frustrated (cause I didn't join MS for this to happen) but for him I'm really sad and feel awful- surprised to find myself so emotional about it and of course suspect, knowing my BF's sensitivities, just know how bad what he thinks is betrayal via this site (and of course via me) , feels to him. I won't say more but I hope especially the misleading Male Survivor member label can be ammended asap! thanks !
ps i have learned my lesson to try to remember to spell out at the beginning of any pms to MS's that I am female. - my intention wasn't to see this but I was just thinking of how his reaction to my emails retroactively changed in finding that they were from a female, not a male and how that's an interesting thing to think about - the same words from a male were welcomed, but from a female, not so. I know for us F&Fs, there's meaning there. I guess sometimes it's not what we say at all, but just the fact that we're a female saying it. I understand it, at a whole new level now I guess!

#64116 - 01/20/05 12:02 AM Re: Question re site IDs?&how others feel-
Abby Offline

Registered: 11/18/04
Posts: 36
I guess this is something that naturally happens when a community enlarges: more people participating means surely more possibilities for thought sharing so for positive growing and benefits for each others, but inevitably this could bring also more chances for possible misunderstandings. It happens in all forums about whatever matter of interest (hobby, fandom, etc.) and Male Survivor cannot be an exception to this rule of life.

Surely the first priority should be anyway to protect male survivors from even unintentional hurt, so I agree with An that for F&F forum it would be an improvement to apply further web techniques in order to avoid hurting whenever possible.

I personally think that an indication about the sex of the subscriber plus a family&friend or male survivor personal situation would be enough to avoid misunderstandings.

Thank you everybody for taking care of this wonderful place. I donít post much as I feel most of the times completely inadequate and I fear to say something wrong even if in good faith. But I read every thread and you cannot know how helpful you are for me.


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