This is what I have to say, I hope you will try to understand it.
Your previous marriage sounds pretty terrible. I'm sorry you had to experience it, and sorry that there were children involved in it.
A forum like this, meant to foster open discussion about the tricky work of relationships with survivors, works best when people in all kinds of situations can honestly speak from their own experiences.
It does not work as well when you come in and judge others, or paint them all with the same brush, based on those experiences.
But the point is, she never had a clue that she was unable to see the other side of things
I'd suggest to you that the entire point of this forum is for partners to educate themselves and seek answers with open minds, because they have already recognized that there is more going on than what they can see.
None of us found this site because we were looking for a board to condemn and complain about the survivors in our lives. Partners find this site the same way most everyone else does-- looking for answers and information about male sexual abuse. And if any came here thinking that they had the whole picture, I'm sure they didn't think it for long-- a quick overview of the articles here or the survivors board is enough to prove that.
You and I, like everyone else on this forum, can only speak from our own knowledge and experience. My experiences in life and reading this forum have validated quite a few of the points you're making-- there are some who would demand from others and call it a gift. There are some who would rather not examine their selfish motivations for overinvolvement in another's healing. There are some who'd rather not realize their imperfections. I am not at all offended that you would point out when something you read here resonates with your own negative experiences, and offer truth based on that.
But as a partner who has done an awful lot of the self-examination and forgiveness that you're suggesting is so uncommon among spouses, I was offended that you assumed so much-- or maybe so little-- of the friends and family in this community. At least that was the impression I, and some other members here, got from your first two posts in this thread.
If you believe, from your experiences and what you've read here, that you have helpful truth to offer the friends and family of survivors, why not begin by telling us what about the posts here, or your own situation, makes you offer that advice?
Instead you came into a forum of hurting, loving people, made statements that devalued our hurt and our love, suggested that all of us expect too much of the survivors in our lives, and then stated your expectations of us, which I have to say, are not realistic, if you read the posts in this forum.
Did you truly expect to be attacked for speaking from your own past hurt, or for making honest and respectful suggestions about how we can help our loved ones?
What expectations do you have, exactly, when you come into a forum full of posts that demonstrate a rather high level of self-examination, forgiveness, hope, strength, and open-minded love-- and then address the entire community as if we have no grasp on these concepts?
Your opening comments here made more than one partner of a survivor uncomfortable, not because we saw an uncomfortable part of ourselves in them, but because we don't like to have unfair demands presented to us in the form of assistance either.
Aden, I don't want my words to deter you from offering specific, respectful observations about what you read here. I'm glad you were able to share your truths despite your fear, and I'm not suggesting that you not share them because they are hard to accept. I am just asking you to take a look at how the first two posts in this thread were offensive to some of us here.
I'd like to ask you your own question: What is it you want from the friends and family here? And why? What are the motives behind the help you offer?
I'm neither a saint nor a judge, and I'd like to give you what you want from us, if I can.