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#63524 - 08/14/06 06:24 AM should I tell my ex?
thetraveller Offline

Registered: 05/29/06
Posts: 69
Loc: England
I ended a four year relationship about a year ago. I never told my ex girlfriend of my abuse. I know deep down that it is the reason we split up. I was always having mood swings, sexual dysfunction, problems with intimacy and unable to trust. I would alwys have vivid dreams of her having sex with other men. They would upset me so much and then I would treat her as if she was cheating on me.

I know she was really upset when I left her, I hadn't started therapy or taken any steps to deal with the abuse. Just burying my head in the sand. After one of these dreams I just decided thats it I'm leaving. So I moved out and basically have only spoken a couple of times since. I still don't understand why i left when and the way I did. She is an amazing person and didn't deserve to be treated that way.

I feel really bad for how I treated her. I wished I'd told her about my CSA as we could have worked things through maybe. I have been thinking about telling her but don't know if its the right thing to do. Would she want to know? would she feel better knowing? I guess I'm worried I may have messed her head up with how dis-functional our relationship was and it might explain a lot of stuff.

Am i just being selfish? Do I just want to make myself feel better? I know I acted like a fruit cake sometimes and I guess I'd like her to know why.

I have no intention or desire to win her back.

Feedback and advice would really helpful.


#63525 - 08/14/06 05:19 PM Re: should I tell my ex?
phoster Offline

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
if you have no intention of getting back with her, i would leave her to heal and move on. as far her moving on, after this much time, it doesnt matter why you left, just that you did. by now she should have made peace with it, and you telling her will only open old wounds. let her go, in my opinion.

compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

#63526 - 08/15/06 12:57 AM Re: should I tell my ex?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I can see you feel badly about this, so an effort to resolve the problem might help you. It also sounds like the split hurt her deeply and may have left her wondering what she had done to deserve such treatment. So perhaps this would help her as well and maybe even leave room for the two of you to be friends.

Perhaps the way forward, if you want to pursue this, would be to write her a letter. That would enable you to work carefully and say exactly what you want to say, and it would leave the ball in her court to decide how and whether to respond.

If the reply is silence then you can both go your separate ways, but at least you will have felt you said what needed to be said. If she wants to respond, then she too has time to decide how she wants to process all this and what she wants to say. Neither side is pressured or devalidated.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#63527 - 08/15/06 05:53 AM Re: should I tell my ex?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hi traveller,

Telling her may help her to feel better about the way things ended between the two of you, or it may not-- you know her better than any of us. But it will almost certainly cause her some strong negative feelings too-- anger, sadness, worry-- because that's how most caring people respond to finding out that someone close to them was hurt.

If you are not looking to re-establish a connection with her, then please consider that you'll be putting a pretty heavy load on her and leaving her with no way of dealing with any new questions or feelings that causes.

I agree with phoster in that she has had time to make peace with the breakup-- it's possible that she was "messed up" at the time you two split, but if you've only talked a few times since then, her reality may be very different now.

Just some things to consider... good luck in whatever you decide.


#63528 - 08/15/06 06:20 PM Re: should I tell my ex?
indygal Offline

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439

since you said you moved out - you must have had a serious relationship with her. while she may have moved on with her life, she may indeed wonder what happened to you and how you two broke up can have serious consequences on her future relationships.

for that reason, if you do care about her at least as someone you once were very close to and involved with, i say take the time to at least contact her and try and talk about the break up if you can. See how receptive she is to listening before you just jump into your csa, take it slow. she could very well be suspicious of why you are wanting to see her at all since you broke up with her.

also, you don't know what's going on in her life right now - be careful about dumping on her a lot of your issues before you two have had a chance to catch up - in other words, if she is willing to be your friend, which sounds like what you'd like - then treat her like a friend, and don't take advantage of what you were once before but are no longer. I hope this makes sense?

you might just find your friendship has endured more than you realize, but it will be extremely fragile, so take care. if she is able to see you are sincere, and not out to hurt her again, you have a chance.

i think it's a good thing you are trying to repair some of the damage done; just try not to expect too much too soon - ok?

best of luck on both your ex and your survivor issues.


my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

#63529 - 08/16/06 09:11 PM Re: should I tell my ex?
thetraveller Offline

Registered: 05/29/06
Posts: 69
Loc: England
Thank you all for your input.

I have been feeling really guilty for the way I left her. She is the only women I have ever got close to in my entire life and I just pushed her away. This is typical of me. I think I loved her, as much as I'm capable of loving anyone. I just couldn't believe she loved me and wouldn't betray me some day. I thought I was heading for a massive heartbreak so I beat her to it. How messed up is that. I've always wanted a girlfriend and to be in love so desperatly. When it came (after 26 years) I f**ked it up and threw it away like it was nothing. Damn I'm feeling really gutted about this again now \:\(

I take the point of not dumping all my CSA stuff on her. I don't think it would be fair. I think I would be acting for my own selfish motives ie: wanting to lessen my guilt and expain my erratic behaviour.

I have sent her an email just light hearted friendy stuff and hopefully we can keep in touch this way. I really do care for her and want to try and be friends if possible. We shall see.

Thanks again for your advice it always helps to get an objective few of things.

take care all



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