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#63512 - 12/21/04 06:43 AM Re: DESPERATE FOR ADVICE
sandylee Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/08/04
Posts: 11
Loc: Atlanta, GA

I did not tell him what I could or could not accept other than I could not accept lies. As far as boundries, I don't know if, when, or how we will figure that out.

I guess what is tearing me up so much right now is not being able to answer: Am I a terrible mother/person for being able to still love him knowing what I know now?



#63513 - 12/21/04 10:22 AM Re: DESPERATE FOR ADVICE
James_dup1 Offline

Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Good luck. Not sure what else to say, your daughter is safe. Thats number one, and you see that and understand that. As for staying or going, well to be honest thats something you have to figure out on your own. No matter what we think or dont think. One of the things I had to learn is that I have controll over my life and the direction it takes. It's not something anyone could tell me or teach me. So best of luck.


I have more issues than Rolling Stone!

#63514 - 12/22/04 12:53 AM Re: DESPERATE FOR ADVICE
Wifey1 Offline

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
in the past few postings of yours I've read your question "am I a terrible mother?" -- for loving this man and my daughter.
a tension of opposites. I am in no way able to judge a person by their thoughts feelings and actions. I do know tho, that you are responding above normal for a very abnormal situation.
MY opinion only -- the reason I say "above normal" is that you are working and seeking answers to some very very hard questions.
I can only speak for myself, but have read many of the postings on here where "mothers" (my own hubbys mom also) ignored and did nothing to protect their children when they saw with their own eyes (mine included) or took an active role in abusing their children right along with their abusers.
A bad mom in my opinion, does not seek the help that you have been seeking --- you are in a very hard spot, but there are avenues of rescue for you AND your daughter.
PLEASE PLEASE follow Ken Singer's advice and contact him via PM or the Stop It Now line, -- explain your situation wholly with not having a job, a home etc.... there are emergency shelters and help available for you. YOU ARE IN A DOMESTIC VIOLENT SITUATION -- no he may not hit you, he may be remorseful and very willing to talk to you about his troubles.... BUT, you are not qualified to take on or help him heal -- only HE and a Professional can do that. Yes, you can love him, but YOU cannot fix him.
Make YOU number one, so that you have energy and resources to help your most important person right now in your life....YOUR DAUGHTER.
I really dont mean to be so harsh --- but there IS emergency housing available and therapy available to you and your daughter.
Your boyfriend, must heal himself, if you are still wanting to continue a relationship to "support him" my suggestion is that you seek help from a qualified therapist who can help you assess the risk factors of staying attached or in contact with the boyfriend -- and if you are able to stay in contact WHAT, the rules would be for that contact and HOW that contact would take place.
Yes, it is possible to love someone who has crossed the line -- I myself still love my hubby tho we've been apart 3 years -- the rules have changed off and on for contact, and I can tell you this much ... and it is dangerous not only for your daughter but for yourself -- you admit to being very co dependant -- if you know this of yourself then you know that you can very easily let your emotions and your mind minimize the damage and danger around you --- WHAT PRICE ARE YOU WILLING TO PAY????
Take ACTION, contact Ken, Call the Hotline, and call for help , ask for referrals for help regarding your living situation --- It may seem like a huge step, and it is -- but NOT taking that step garruntees that you stay where you are and eventually minimizing in your mind "its not that bad" "she didnt see him naked" --- can easily cause you to NOT take any steps at all -- SACRIFICING your daughters safty that much more.
If the house was on fire you would grab that girl and run ..... I'm telling you -- YOU'RE HOUSE IS ON FIRE... call those numbers and get help!
May you be surrounded by strength, peace and help from the kindness of many.
Peace, Sammy

#63515 - 12/22/04 02:49 AM Re: DESPERATE FOR ADVICE
ABridget Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 9
Loc: Vancouver, BC Canada
It seems everyone is being very sympathetic and giving you good advice, Sandy. I have to say I'm totally freaked out by what you say has happened to your daughter. It sounds like she's not even in your life for long stretches of time. You have to know that he was groping her in some way while he masturbated. Please, please call the 1-800-stopitnow people. I called when I was worried about my husband and my daughter and they gave me a lot of good advice.
forlauren (I had to change my screen name because my other computer caught a virus and I had to reregister).

#63518 - 12/27/04 05:32 AM Re: DESPERATE FOR ADVICE
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
I deleted your post in the Survivor's Stories as it is not appropriate for that forum. You are getting some people upset, concerned and suspicious with your posts. You have not allowed anyone to pm you and your profile gives no info as to who you are, why you are here.

If you are here to get folks interested in your "guide", please be aware that we don't allow any commercial selling here.

Please pm me for further discussion.

Ken Singer
Board of Directors, MaleSurvivor

Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

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