Dear JJ, I'm new here too, a female survivor, and let me be honest and say my marriage crashed (I can't even spell it), but I want to offer you this - instead of the male-female thing, maybe try to go the ying yang route, ie if it can be more evocative and more about balancing active and passive, receptive etc, its a different story.
I think every couple needs a repertoire of reliable shared self nurturing behaviors that both parties embrace, aside from sex.
If you are open to it, Donna Eden's book Energy Medicine is really good. You want to be Energy Medicine for each other. You will both know exactly what to do when you start to unravel- here's a hint, its the Wayne Cook posture. It reconnects the brain. light to you, sistermoon