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#62986 - 07/17/02 01:25 AM hi
ks Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/26/02
Posts: 5
Just wanted to say hi and that I am the partner of a male survivor. We have definitely had our ups and downs, but even though we struggle sometimes we have ALOT of amazing experiences too. He is my best friend and there is a bond that we have because we've been through so much together - trying our best to just love eachother and grow without causing too much pain. It's hard though because sometimes I don't think we are at all like the "white picket fence" story that so many people think we should be. But in so many ways we have soooo much more than anyone could ever understand or that I could even try to explain. One of his best friends says that we have our own secret language and everyone knows we love eachother even if they don't always understand us. That is sometimes the hardest thing for me...people not understanding us. Our friendship is what has been the glue through our relationship...the only thing sometimes that gets us through I think. Sometimes love is really hard for him (in his own words) and I have my own fears and insecurities that are triggered by his fears and insecurties...aghhh! Pretty much a guy/girl thing alot of the time, but then add sexual abuse to the mix and it can get even more confusing!! I am just having a hard time right now because alot of people aren't understanding what we're going through right now...even though him and I are ok and we know we will be ok. Does that make sense??!! That's why I think other partners and survivors help so much. They understand the struggle and the growth and the even deeper love that can come out of it...which is what I feel in my heart.
I'm glad you are all here.

#62987 - 07/17/02 12:34 PM Re: hi
getteddie Offline

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Thanks for coming makes a lot of sense to me!!!!


#62988 - 07/17/02 03:02 PM Re: hi
soccer Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 43
What a great post - when I was reading it the thought "did I write this???" ran through my head.

I too feel the same way that I/he/we are nothing near the white picket fence - I too have been through abuse (not sexual but everything else). I pretty much packed up and burned the damn picket fence when I was about 25 and learned that my life and relationships will NOT now, nor likely ever be peace, harmony, 2.3 kids and a dog...

#62989 - 07/17/02 03:09 PM Re: hi
soccer Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 43
last post continued...

sorry I posted the last message without finishing.

KS what difficulties are you experiencing right now? I too am having difficulties and really really really need someone to talk to.. I dont want to tell my friends as I want to maintain my BF's privacy (he doesnt want anyone to know about what happened to him and I can fully understand that).

The current issues I'm facing are very volatile emotions in my bf - one minute he's fine the next he's blowing up and pouting, the next he's angry at me or stomping off home and ignoring me, or trying to "fix" me. Still trying to figure out what it is that is setting him off - very difficult as it is always changing!

#62990 - 07/21/02 10:36 PM Re: hi
ks Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/26/02
Posts: 5
hi. Sorry it's so hard for you right now. I completely understand. My bf has been dealing with his abuse for many years but still has a hard time sometimes when he's got alot going on in his head. Usually now when he gets angry or frustrated inside and doesn't want to take it out on me, he just distances me and gets real quiet and want's to be away from Everybody. It hurts cause I don't have any idea what is going on with him and I worry and try and get closer and understand him. But my counselor says I just have to stay out of his head and let him be. Can you imagine?!!! hee hee! :rolleyes: It has helped alot though. I just have to get used to the "quiet time" and trust that everything is gonna be ok. She told me to just let him tell me if something is wrong or if he needs something from me and that he'll want to get closer if I give him the space to work through his own issues. She said because his "No" wasn't respected when he was little, it's really important now for him to be able to say No and have someone listen to him. By not reacting so much we seem to be healing alot more these days..but the distance is still pretty hard for me and I don't know what our future holds right now. I guess that's where alot of my fear is right now and caring what people think. I also don't tell anybody about his abuse because I feel like it is his place to tell them. He does and will tell people close to him and my best friends do know that he was abused...but I don't tell them much more than that. It's pretty much my counselor, him and now you...even after all these years. It can be pretty lonely and frustrating when things are hard. I hope you hang in there. You seem like you only want the best and it is hard sometimes to deal with this stuff... After seeing that story on the little girl in Orange county who was abducted and abused, I know all the more how devastating this is to innocent children and how much it hurt him and has affected his life...and it just makes me love him even more. I hope I'm not's not always easy, but I do always seem to learn and grow and I've come to appreciate that about us.
Hang in there

#62991 - 07/22/02 05:49 AM Re: hi
mrsunshineguy Offline

Registered: 07/13/02
Posts: 67
Loc: Texas
Hi KS, and Soccer, (and getteddie, too \:\) )

Don?t know if you like therapy books at all, but one that covers most of the problem areas (and hopefully more areas than you will have problems with) is Allies in Healing. My girlfriend and I were both S/A, and we would sit and read chapters back and forth to each from that and Courage to Heal when I was doing therapy.

The counselor gave you some really good advice regarding staying out of his head. His problems are his problems and he will have to solve them.

(just mho) Get yourself to a safe distance where the mood swings can't hit you. Just because someone was abused is no reason or excuse to be nasty or dump garbage onto you. And it does not help him (he will feel guilty about it later, and that just makes a bigger mess), and it may damage your feelings about him in the long run, too. What sets him off is not your problem . . . keeping the garbage off you is.

- - - - - - - -

You are not going to see this in a therapy book, but . . .

Something that sometimes helps is humor about this stuff . . . but you have to use this really, really, carefully. Back when I first told my business partner (he was also my Senior Officer in the Army) about it, he fell out of the chair laughing . . . "you were abused and that is why you are all FUed now?"

It stopped me cold for a second, and then I started laughing, too. We have had lots of serious talks since then, but that was a great start.

One day I was going on (and on, and on) about something. My girlfriend reached over with her thumbs and forefingers on both sides of my mouth and moved my lips up and down while saying, "I have s*cked d*cks" . . . (I was beaten and molested as a little boy). It stunned me for a second, and then we both started laughing and laughing. It makes me smile just thinking about it.

More recently, we had a daughter. My girlfriend obviously does not want much to do with her dad; he molested her as a little girl. In a letter from her stepmother sort of pleading his case to visit (the stepmother does not know about the abuse) she wrote saying how fond of little girls he is . . . . I read the letter aloud with all the improper intonations, so now all I have to do is say "he is very fond of little girls" and we start laughing.

It is sort of like that which you can laugh at can no longer control you, and no sane therapist in the world is going to laugh at this stuff, and sometimes I think only a close friend or partner can.

See you,


#62992 - 07/22/02 12:13 PM Re: hi
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
My best friend often says to me "they should have put their dick's in your ears and f****d some sense into you while they were at it !"
I threaten to send his ex wife from hell a valentines card with his name on it !

Black humour can really release tension and bring us back to reality, but we have to have trust in each other first.
Lloydy \:D

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#62993 - 07/22/02 02:30 PM Re: hi
soccer Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 43
Re: Black humour - I finally cracked that one this weekend! Last night my BF was in one of his snarly moods and I looked over at him and in an appropriate moment of silence went "aah yadda yadda yadda...Who shit in your cornflakes?" and he just busted up laughing... I haven't broached the actual abuse yet in humour.. will probably take a long time.. but maybe I 'll be able to approach it that way. For the time being, my BF tends to take things very seriously..

The good thing is that for some reason I have this tendency to have black humour statements pop up in my head at the most inopportune (or opportune?) moments.

#62994 - 07/22/02 10:55 PM Re: hi
babs Offline

Registered: 07/20/01
Posts: 59
Loc: Cub Hill, MD

I think you are right about the healing power of laughter and humor. I've said for years that the reason I married Getteddie was because "He made me laugh." Only the Lord knows why he married me??

Since the SA memories resurfaced about 2 years ago that has been lacking. As he has made progress in recovery it has been slowly returning, but we have definitely had to be careful with each other feelings and vunerabilities. Like many things the jokes & wise-ass remarks often need to be balanced at another time by sincere expressions of love and support. Jokes about such sensitive topics can too easily be misinterpreted as "Fruedian" slips.

Maybe the stepmother needs to be told (preferably by her husband) why your wife is afraid to allow her father any access to your "little girl." I am constantly amazed that some people keep such 'deep' secrets from their spouses, yet say they love & trust them.

The stepmother may inadvertently be allowing him access to other children because of her ignorance to his predatorial nature.



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