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#62913 - 06/28/02 04:06 PM SA survivors - group therapy -
soccer Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 43
Does anyone know about SA survivors support groups and how they work?

I guess, my big question is all about "responsibility" - I am an adult child of an alcoholic (dating a SA survivor.. what a pair we are sometimes!) and I recall for years and years feeling that it was OK to take out my frustrations due to my traumatic and neglectful upbringing on others.

What I learned from one of the steps in the 12-step program at ACA (adult children anonymous - based on AA) was all about "responsibility" - that I was powerless to stop what happened to me but I do have responsibilities not to let what happened to me (severely traumatic home - verbal/emotional/pscyhological abuse) be an excuse to wreak havoc on others. Does anyone know if a similar 12 step approach is used for SA survivors? I would imagine that this approach would be used for sex addicts, workaholics, etc.

It just seems that one of the main issues that plague any abuse sufferer is this whole issue of shouldering responsibility for actions taken as a result of abuse. I did some pretty horrible things to others thinking they'd understand on account of my past. I also thought for years and years that by acknowledging responsibility for my actions I'd feel that yet another heap of blame was to be put on my shoulders, and I wasn't ready for it. I was still too angry.

However, when I finally got to understand the step and was ready and able to really believe it (I needed antidepressants/antipsychotics, etc to calm my brain down and sort out my thoughts in order to understand) it really freed my mind and heart up for true healing. Just wondering if this is part of the approach for working with SA survivors too.


#62914 - 06/28/02 04:14 PM Re: SA survivors - group therapy -
SoCalJohn Offline

Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
There are groups for SA survivors, called SIA - Survivors of Incest Anonymous. 12 step and all that, they have a web site for the World Service Office at

I belonged to a local SIA group for about 6 years and found them very helpful.

Take care,


I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

#62915 - 06/28/02 10:41 PM Re: SA survivors - group therapy -
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I went through a few years of intensive 1 to 1 therapy which did me the power of good. Then I had a very brief, 2 day, experience at a survivors conference where I experienced a bit of group work. I came away amazed at the power a group can have, and I was determined to go along this path. Meeting people like me was so good.
But unfortunately where I live there is no active group, even though I am involved with the only survivors organization in the area; there's just not enough men interested or ready to form one.
Which is why I'm so active here at this site, this is my group.
I suppose it's different to a face to face group, and I would be loathed to say if it's better or worse, I just can't say. But what I guess I'm trying to say is that group work can be very powerful and healing, and if it's on-line or face to face there is so much to be shared and gained.
I hope someone more local than me can point you in the right direction.

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#62916 - 07/01/02 01:45 PM Re: SA survivors - group therapy -
AMiNUTS Offline

Registered: 06/13/02
Posts: 37
Dear Soccer,

I too am an adult of an alcoholic and my H was SA. Certainly a difficult combination at times. I mostly struggle with trying to figure out what is my junk and what is his. While we do go to marriage counseling, these issues are not discussed in terms of what is whose trash to deal with for the most part. At least, I try to own my stuff and look at it and try to "do it differently" while recognizing where it comes from. I wish he would (could) do the same, but he refuses to acknowledge that his abuse has any impact on our marriage and his life. It's such a shame, because I can see how almost paralyzed he is most of the time.

How do you find the combination works (or doesn't work)? What do you struggle with the most (or most often)? And have you been able to easily identify your stuff from his?

Thanks much!

#62917 - 07/18/02 05:39 AM Re: SA survivors - group therapy -
mrsunshineguy Offline

Registered: 07/13/02
Posts: 67
Loc: Texas
Hi Soccer,

I learned about AA/12 steps from and with my girlfriend.

I met her in another on-line group for child-abuse issues, and we became friends, and when I was in therapy, she would go one day a week to T with me, and I would one day a week to AA with her.

(As a little girl, her Dad used to get drunk to do her. She grew up an alcoholic, and her college told her to dry up or drop out.)

I learned you can learn a lot watching a bunch of drunks \:\) \:\) . . .

I learned that a whole lot of this recovery stuff is similar across various fields.

Just like AA, this stuff drove me to my knees. \:\) \:\) . Just like the first three steps.

And I can sort of laugh and say that I now have to work through a resentment . . . .

A resentment that I have to go to the effort of forgiving my perp (not saying that anyone should/or has to forgive their perp ? it is just my path).

But at any rate, I have read various 12 steps for darn near everything (including specifically SA)
but I have not seen anything as good as AA.

But all her friends that she started AA with had abuse issues, too. They did not work on their abuse stuff and relapsed. She did work on the abuse issues and is (one day at time) doing pretty good.

Maybe you could drag him along to some of your ACA / Al-Anon stuff?

Just a thought.


#62918 - 07/18/02 10:44 AM Re: SA survivors - group therapy -
Broken Offline

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
I dont know man, i am trying to find a survivors group, but i dont know where to look. When i call up WOMENS SHELTERS they say they have NEVER even HEARD of anything like that. What the hell is wrong with orange county, i would think a guy could find a little more support in a major metropolitan area.

I dont know about SIA. They kind of piss me off. They have a recording at thier number, a threadbare webpage with no additional resources, and both expect you to start you OWN group and send them 6 bucks for some fucking pamphlets. The messgae they leave on the answering machine is so canned it made me feel like throwing my phone through the window. How anyone could maintain such a dull monotone and hope to sound sincere is beyond me. It sounded like a telemarketer. I cant start a damn group, i cant even get out of bed before noon most of the time. They dont even have a list of groups availible.

Is there something im missing? What the hell do i have to do to find someone to talk about this?

#62919 - 07/18/02 04:55 PM Re: SA survivors - group therapy -
soccer Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 43
Broken: I fully understand your frustration with trying to find help. I've had a few breakdowns trying to wait to get into see someone re: my own abuse history.. couldnt handle the dicking around, searching and waiting..... one time years ago I flipped out, walked out of my office in the middle of the day and checked myself into an emergency ward in a hospital (if you feel totally consumed, unable to function, and somewhat suicidal, I highly recommend RUNNING not walking to emergency!) From that experience, I found that hospitals often have fabulous psych. nurses who can talk to you right on the spot, and who can put you in touch with social workers, psychologists/psychiatrists, etc. Perhaps there is a psych. nurse or social worker there who could point you in the right direction (many hospitals have "emergency psychiatric" divisions).

Each city is different in the services that they provide and I would bet that hospitals AND police would have numbers/contacts, etc on all kinds of groups, individual therapists, services, organizations, etc.

#62920 - 07/19/02 12:52 AM Re: SA survivors - group therapy -
getteddie Offline

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Groups for SA are amazing ..if they are good! I was in a group for SA while in the hospital for 3 weeks....11 woman and me!!!! They all hated me and wouldn't talk to me a first....but after a few days they started to see that we were all in the same boat...after a week...we were all friends and very open in our 6 hour a day talks! I still think of them as kinda sisters...out there somewhere..hope that they are OK! Boy did I learn some million or more things from them..been 2 years and I think of their teachings everyday.
Tryed another group for men really sucked..met once a week...but you could go everyday ..there are lots of SA Nut Groups around B-more. They gave me a sponser that was a Pedo...they just paid to get him out of jail for raping at 10 yo boy up in NY!!!! SA SUCKS BIGTIME!!!
Been looking for a nice small SA group for men for 2 years...many therapist try to start them but then back off for some reason??? Still looking...maybe all this crap in the news about SA will make things better for us and some therapist in the Baltimore area will start a group for SA Males...I'm not the type of person to try to start a group myself.



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