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#62523 - 11/01/04 09:51 AM okay...howbout this one???
reesersgrl Offline

Registered: 07/08/04
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
Thursday night, my b/f came home with roses for me and a ring that my son had wanted for a long time. We had an exceptionally wonderful and dare I say "normal" evening. He said some very nice things and we talked about our future and marriage and children and how much better he was doing. The next morning, routinely, it was hell from the time he woke up.Mornings are especially harsh -- almost always. He was rude and sarcastic to me and left without saying goodbye. I still called him from work and left a cute and brief message on his cell. He didnt call me back. I worked all day fromone job to the next. As soon as my last client left, I picked up the phone and called him twice with no response. The third time(about and hour later) I called and once again got his voicemail.I said honey, I'm a little worried cause I havent heard from you. Its okay if you need some alone time or are hanging out with your friends, just let me know. I have somethings todo and I wanted to go to thestore and pick up a few things. Well, I got areturn call then....he called and was very abrupt and mean and accused me of "planning" anight out with my sister or the girls or whatever....because I didnt call him until 8:00. I hung up on him after listening to this nonsense for about 10 minutes.He called back and I didnt answer because I just didnt feel like listening to the bulls"""once again.. He left 5 messages and they were all rude and cruel and mean. Calling me everything from a sneaky whore to a coniving bitch..He then said our plans with his children for Halloween were cancelled and that hewasnt going to come home all weekend. I resistedt he urge to call back. Didnt hear fromhim until I called him on Sunday morning and voiced my objection and disappointment and hurt at the names he called me and the inappropriate messages he left on my business answering machine for my children to hear. He called back and left a message saying dont call him anymore, hedoesnt want to talk to me and he's not ever coming back. It is sooooo not fair that the people that love and support these victims of abuse sometimes become their emotional punching bags. I'm tired and I'm sad and I'm worn out from trying to always do and say just the right things so as not to upset or "trigger" him. From one minute to the next, our lives are so unpredictable.I didnt even do anything. I give up.

#62524 - 11/01/04 07:09 PM Re: okay...howbout this one???
Yves Offline

Registered: 11/26/03
Posts: 93
Loc: Canada
Think about this:

If your daughter, or your closest friend, was going through a similar situation with her boyfriend, you would stop at nothing to protect her and save her from such abuse. Why are you willing to take it yourself? How long is this going to go on before you say enough is enough?

Grl, you need to end this relationship, and end it now. What are your children learning from this -- that it's ok to hurt someone, as long as you think you have a good enough excuse for it?

What are you waiting for? More abuse? Nicer gifts? More abuse? One good dinner a month? More abuse? Or maybe more abuse?


You know you love someone when you want them to be happy even though their happiness means you're not part of it. ~Author Unknown~

#62525 - 11/01/04 07:15 PM Re: okay...howbout this one???
Enchantedlady Offline

Registered: 10/22/04
Posts: 35
I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you will be able to search your heart and not take anymore abuse yourself.

The Spirit in me meets the same Spirit in you'

Hebrews 13:5 Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you

#62526 - 11/01/04 07:54 PM Re: okay...howbout this one???
reesersgrl Offline

Registered: 07/08/04
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
Thanks for your responses of support. Normally, I would not take this abuse from ANYONE.Believe me, I know how stupid that sounds. Bob has been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. I've researched and researched. He is currently in counseling and I dont expect and overnight cure. I guess that is what keeps me going. I dont think I need to get out--the decision has apparently already been made for me. Its funny how survivors have a tendency to push and pull at the same time--they are scared that youll abandon them, so they leave. Makes perfect sense..

#62527 - 11/02/04 03:07 AM Re: okay...howbout this one???
blacken Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1910
Loc: Northern Ohio

Child Sexual Abuse & Bi-Polar Disorder may Explain his behavior, but it does NOT Excuss it.

If you intend to continue this relationship, I would re-iterate that to him & tell him how you expect to be treated. Period.

His behavior sounds more Domestic Violence. Blaming you one minute & giving gifts the next.

This relationship is already abusive. Marriage will Not solve any of his issues, & instead, may worsen them. And no, counseling is NOT a quick cure. There is No 'Cure'. He has to Re-Learn how to interact & deal with his emotions. It is NOT appropriate for you, or anyone else, to be the 'emotional punching bag' as u put it.

#62528 - 11/02/04 03:38 AM Re: okay...howbout this one???
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
dont think I need to get out--the decision has apparently already been made for me.
This is not a substitute for making your own decision to stop accepting this kind of treatment.

You can take the power into your own hands here. If you don't like living unpredictably, you have the power to make some new rules for the way things will be in your house, for you and your children.

You DO need to decide, for yourself, where your boundaries are and what you will do the next time they are challenged.

I'm sorry you are going through all of this right now.


#62529 - 11/02/04 04:15 AM Re: okay...howbout this one???
reesersgrl Offline

Registered: 07/08/04
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
Yes, logically, I know all that stuff. It's when emotions are involved that all that logic goes right out the window. I made my 5:30 in the morning phone call to his voicemail after another night of no sleep. Voiced my opinions calmly, told him I loved him and now am trying very hard not to call again, or go looking for him etc...It's me who is the "smoother over" in this relationship, and Im tired of that. He is going to counseling, but I wonder how much help it willbe to him if he tells his counselor how "he sees it". Because how he sees it, is very different from reality. How the hell do you just cut ties, especially in this situation?? I love him, im worried for him. He hurts every day.He's confused every day. Sometimes I feel so guilty because Im the one who pressed this s/a issue with him. When he finally realized it was all true, he totally lost it. He is just not the same person anymore. Its soooo very sad.

#62530 - 11/08/04 10:43 AM Re: okay...howbout this one???
serafina Offline

Registered: 08/05/02
Posts: 36
Loc: Washington
Wow can I relate. This was me for four years. Kept awake sometimes all night long from his phone calls. The endless game of calling and not calling when he felt like it. Blaming me for irrational things. He would get angry at the drop of a hat and blame it on me for no reason. All I can say is set boundaries if you continue to see him. It will only get worse if you don't, I promise you that. He will be angry with the boundaries, which is hard because you don't want him to have more pain in his life, but you need to do it and stick to it. Promise not to call him, unplug your phone (that worked the best for me), keep your life in control for YOU. He can't make your life chaos, if you don't let him. It is is so hard, I know, you are there to love him and as a survivor he needs to love himself first. Best of luck to you.

#62531 - 11/08/04 06:38 PM Re: okay...howbout this one???
hanginon Offline

Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 89
Loc: sarasota, fl
Eeks! I've been on both sides of this type of stiuation....the key word is, in fact, BOUNDARIES. i am a survivor and have had fits of rage that were misdirected to my partner (now an "ex" but I have been working on trying to get him back) ending in a clear line in the sand for over one year now. I HAVE CHANGED but there's still room for improvement.

Ironically, i have also "dated" abuse survivors and have been on the receiving end of the irrational and hostile anger - it's not pleasant. DRAW THE LINE in the sand CLEARLY...

one thing that seems to happen, the survivor sometimes forgets his rage in a matter of hours and expects things to return to normal "now that they got that out of their system" sort of thing. You have to change behavior patterns, and there must be a clear ARTICULATED boundary - if you do this, the result is this....

get help! You can't do it alone and it is as much about your own codependent recovery as it is about his recovery from abuse.

good luck. it's not impossible, just VERY very difficult to live with on a day to day basis...


walker, there is no path, you make a path as you go...

(caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar...)

Antonio Machado

#62532 - 11/11/04 02:27 AM Re: okay...howbout this one???
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts

I've read your posts, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you, but I see something that I'm very familiar with, both as someone who's lived through it, and (sadly, selfishly) one who has caused it.

This needs to be said, though. For your well-being, for your son's well-being, and for his, ultimately. No matter what his difficulties, no matter what crosses he bears (and they are plenty and heavy) it does not excuse his behavior and this isn't healthy for you and your son.

It's the hardest thing to do, leaving someone, even temporarily, who is hurting. But he is hurting you, lass, and your son when he sees or hears about this stuff. He may not hear it from you, but don't you know he senses the hostility.

Selfishness is a disease a long time curing. And sometimes those who are suffering through it need to BE that for themselves to keep from being destroyed.

It's the hardest yet easiest thing to do. To say.

I can't make that decision for you, nor can anyone else here, but I hope that you go. Hopefully, it's temporary. Maybe it won't be. But you need to look after yourself and your son first and foremost.

Just go.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it kills me to see someone hurting, particularly for me when I realize how much of a selfish jerk I am to those I love. But they've had to cut me loose too.

It hurt, and I hated them, but now I realize they needed to be away from me to survive.

I care.

Peace and love,


There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

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