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#62452 - 11/08/01 07:17 AM Avoiding Sex

I am a survivor and sometimes it seems as though after I talk to my girlfriend about my past she avoids sexual contact with me for days. Is this a common thing and what can I do to let her know that my past does not affect how I feel towards her sexually?

#62453 - 11/08/01 05:27 PM Re: Avoiding Sex
lovemyhusband Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/19/01
Posts: 23
Hello oob,
I dont know about your girlfriend but when by husband tells me about his abuse, I can see and feel the pain that he has gone and still continues to go through. When I see this emotion I want to be very careful that I not infringe on him if he is feeling vulnerable at that time. Correct me if I am wrong but many survivors may have been vulnerable kids as in, lonely, needing love or attention, or simply craving a hug and they may believe that this vulnerability lead to the abuse. I dont want him to relive that feeling of being vulnerable and then having sex follow that feeling, do I make sense? Many times I will wait for him to approach me after we have talked. My belief is that this gives him back the feeling of control. He can feel vulnerable, that does not mean sex must follow (unless he chooses which happens also) and when he does wants sex, I reciprocate with all my love. Is this right? I dont know, it is just the rules that I follow. Dont be too hard on your girlfriend, Im sure it has nothing to do with how she feels about you. As you have had to learn how to deal with your abuse through the years, she too must LEARN how to deal with it, remember we love you guys and just want to do the right things to help you through this. Take care and god bless, LMH

#62454 - 11/09/01 12:00 AM Re: Avoiding Sex

Remember that you have had a long time to try to deal with what happened to you and it is new territory for your girlfriend. It is hard for those of us who love you guys to know how to relate to what has happened to you. Do we reach out? Do we step back and wait for you to reach out? What do you need? Do you trust us to love you and to touch you or is that threatening? Do we give you time to hide behind your walls or do we go in after you? I am sure your girlfriend cares for you very much and maybe in a way she sees your hurt more than you do. It probably seems hard for you but you need to help her. It is so hard for us to understand your needs. AND we are probably angrier at your abuser than you are. We never had them guilt us out so we can see what creeps they were with our eyes wide open. Do we dare say so though, or will that make you feel worse? So many thoughts go through our mind. Have you allowed your girlfriend to let her feelings out about it? Ask her what she felt when you first told her. Might help you both out.

[ November 08, 2001: Message edited by: What Now? ]


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