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#62344 - 10/01/01 03:50 AM just venting

Hi everyone I need to talk tonight but nobody to talk to so here I am. Here goes.
I recently (about a year ago)found out that my husband was s abused as a child. His abuser was his older brother. I didnt find this (the abuse) out until after his brother moved away from us. He now lives in another state and I am thankful not to have to see him. Well somehow he got our new phone number and he called today. I HATE him so much for all of the pain and confusion that he has caused my husband. But noone in the family knows about the abuse except ME! It is a great weight. I am finding ways to deal with it but today was hard. I dont understand how he can just pretend to my husband that everything is great. And I also cant understand how my husband can even talk to him. The thought of him makes my stomach turn. I kind of HAVE TO be nice because of the family politics but it kills me. I am scared because I dont know how to deal with all of this hate and anger. I have never felt this way, ever. I thought that venting here would make me feel better, but I can see that it is just making me more upset so I better go.

#62345 - 10/01/01 04:36 AM Re: just venting


Yikes! This is heavy stuff. And it is a heavy burdern for you if you're the only one who knows about this. Well, now that I think about it, WE know now, so you don't have to be entirely alone with it....

You don't say how long ago this happened and how your husband is dealing with this. Or IF he is dealing with it...yet.

As someone who went for more than forty years before remembering childhood sexual abuse, I well know that this kind of stuff hangs around in the shadows....and it does affect one's life in profound ways....including interpersonal relationships.

My personal recommendation is that you consider seeing a therapist...for yourself. It would be wonderful if your husband also would see a therapist, but that may take longer. You can't change can only change and/or take care of yourself. Since this heavy burden has been placed on you (and you're the only one who knows it), I think it would be wise if you could process with someone who is knowledgeable about sexual abuse. After all, you are or will be affected.

It would be one thing if your husband had been abused by someone who is no longer in his life, but it's got to be pretty damned tough to have to interact with his family and keeping up some kind of pretense that nothing has ever happened. Perhaps someday he'll have the opportunity to confront his brother (or has he already done this) and that, together, they might get some therapy around this...whether or not they continue to see one another.

In addition, you might wish to continue to check this section of the Forum, as there are other wives out there who are struggling to stay in relationship with men they love who are wrestling with their own demons.

Hang in are among friends here. And do try to find a therapist'll be happy you did. You deserve to be supported through this.

And do check in with us and let us know how you're doing, Jackie.


#62346 - 10/01/01 05:16 PM Re: just venting

thanks don that was a helpful reply. to answer some questions you have my husband was abused from around age 5 to about 10 or 11. The time frames are jumbled for him. and he has not confronted his brother. like i said i am absolutly (besides you guys) the only person he has ever told. this makes it esspecialy dificult for me because i am such an open person. i HAVE to talk when i have problems or something is bugging me. financily we cant afford counciling but i have been checking into some free counciling. im just afraid that free might mean not so good. the last thing we need right now is bad advise on the best way to deal with this. this site has helped (especialy the chat room) so much. before i stumbled across it i was a wreck! You guys (and girls) tell me stuff that my husband probably wouldnt (he is very quiet and keeps to himself) so it help to listen to you talk to each other and hear your feelings and view points.
thanks again don i appreciate you taking the time to read my post. Have a good day

#62347 - 10/05/01 05:13 PM Re: just venting
Just Call me J Offline

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
This post feels a bit disjointed to me, but my brain is in a lot of places, from your post. I'll take the issues up as they come to mind, in no particular order.

Long before I ever learned of my abuse, I found out about my Mom's. I had put the pieces together from a few books Mom had left on the coffee table, but it was the day of my great uncle's funeral, that I saw how... weird she was acting. So I asked (I was in mid-high school at the time... 14 or 15) her what was wrong, and she took a deep breath, and told me that the uncle "liked to touch little girls."

All throughout the service, everyone was going on about how great he was, and how much of a loss his life was for them. All I could do was curse him. In PRAYER, I was using the F-word. It was very hard for me to handle. I don't think I had actually HATED anyone before.

So, I do know a small part of what you are feeling. I had the good fortune to never have to interact with him again. I am so sorry that you don't have that luxury. I am now having to deal with the uncertainty of who my abuser was, and it has made it difficult to hang with my brother or my dad (who may or may not have been the perpetrator). My brother has even commented on how distant I've been. I can't explain to him why. Not yet.

It doesn't matter how expensive the counseling is, it matters how truthful the participants are, and how insightful the leader is. Those people that are willing to do their work without being paid, may be even more dedicated in their work than one you pay $150/hr (just a thought). The key is to find someone in whom you trust, that you can vent to (and we're VERY good for that), but a close friend may be better.

It's called a "support network" so that you've always got SOMEONE that you can turn to, in any crisis. Get your bases covered. Having a friend go on vacation can be a serious blow, if that person is your only means of support.

Your husband's reluctance to share really doesn't reflect on anything you have done. It is going to be very hard for him to accept the terrible things that occured to him (it's easier to pretend they never happened... this is a very common defense mechanism). And if he shares these things with you, it will be harder for him to pretend that they didn't. If he keeps it to himself, then the thoughts have only reality in his brain, and no "concrete reality." Bringing them out to you will mean giving them substance, and that may be too much for him to take right now. So please don't view the feeling of being "shut out" as YOU being untrustworthy. Trust is a very hard thing for us.

It took over a year from when my best friend came out to me as lesbian, for me to tell her that I crossdress, even though it was clear to me that she wouldn't have any trouble accepting that. But I held back. Since I was open with her about that, I've slowly opened up other things to her, that I've never told ANYONE. Right now, she knows more of my secrets than anyone, but it wasn't an automatic thing. That trust took YEARS to build, and there are STILL things I'm afraid to tell her.

But knowing that someone is going to stand by you, no matter what, is absolutely invaluable. Words can't express how powerful that is. Just keep in mind that, due to the abuse, there will always be shadows of doubt, lingering over whether or not that support really is unconditional.

I wish you strength and prayers of support while you deal with these rocks and hard places. It sounds like your husband is a very lucky man to have you in his life. Just don't forget that you are worth looking after, too.

We're in this together.


We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

#62348 - 10/06/01 03:10 PM Re: just venting

thanks for taking the time to reply to my post. It has helped me. I know i sound disjointed, that is because i have a hard time dealing with this stuff inside of me. like i said before im the only one who knows any of this, i have no one to talk to (besides here, and no offence i need someone to talk to in life.) The only person i would feel comfortable talking to would be my best friend. But luck would have it that my best friend is also my husbands sister. So that is out. Besides he has asked me not to tell anyone. To be honest i think he is mad that im sharing here. But i have to have someway to deal with it. Im doing better and learning alot. I just hope that soon he will also start dealing with it. Thanks for your support and your prayers, they are both appreciated.

#62349 - 10/07/01 01:32 AM Re: just venting


Visiting this forum regularly has been of tremendous help and support for me, personally. Until you can put some other support system in place for yourself, you might consider checking in on a regular basis. You need a place to at least express what's going on for you.

Jeremy is on target when he suggests that none of your husband's need for confidentiality - as well as his own silence about what happened to him - is really not about you at all. Your love, patience, and support are, I believe, critical...despite the heavy burden of silence that he has imposed.

At least WE in this forum can provide you with a safe, confidential, yet supportive place to express some of what is going on for you.

I, too, will add you to my prayer list.


#62350 - 10/08/01 02:11 AM Re: just venting

thanks don. i do visit this site very often. i am (we all are) very lucky to have this site and each other!!!

#62351 - 10/08/01 01:38 PM Re: just venting
SoCalJohn Offline

Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California

I just wanted to pass on a few thoughts i had from reading yoru post here...

Your husband has had a lot longer to think about all of this than you have, he is a little more used to the whole thing and he grew up in the family dynamics so he is probably comfortable with the way things dont get talked about and how everyone makes nice and keeps the secrets.

One thing that helped me a lot was writing things down, just whatever was going on in my head, getting it down on paper, a lot of the times i would just burn the pages when i was done, other things i have saved, what you do with the writings does not matter so much, i just know that when i write stuff down somehow my brain recognizes that it is recoreded somewhere and it does not work so hard to keep reminding me of it all, its like i no longer have to think about it 24/7.

I hope you both find some healthy ways to deal with it all, the hate thing is not such a good place to hang out for very long.


I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.


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