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#62257 - 09/01/01 11:25 AM someone help please
tryingtohelp Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 0
I am really so confused now, we have been so close for the past 2 years and now all of a sudden he is pulling farther away from me than before. He asked me a couple of days ago why I seemed distant, my reply was, I thought that was the way you wanted me to be, because he basically told me so. Does he want me to be in his life or doesnt he? I am so tired of the roller coaster ride I feel like I am on with him. One day he tells me everything he is thinking and feeling. The next day he is closed up tight like a clam. But if I dont tell him everything on my mind he accuses me of being distant. What does he want? I dont know if I should let him take the lead in this relationship or if I should try to fight for it like my heart is telling me to do. It hurts, the constant pushing and pulling, the constant peeks and valleys. I just want to love him, but he is making it difficult. Is he doing this on purpose? Or is this just an effect of the SA? I have sat and listened, just listened, let him take the lead in an uncountable number of conversations. He says he wants to know what I am thinking but I dont think he really means it. He never really just listens to me like I do for him. When I open my mouth to speak he interjects and trys to (as I feel) force his opinion on me. Is this a reaction to the SA? Needing control? I can understand that to a point but arent I entitled to an opinion of my own, are my opinions ever right?

#62258 - 09/05/01 06:30 AM Re: someone help please
Just Call me J Offline

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Seeking control is a hallmark of SA, that is true. Yes, your opinions are yours, and you have just as much right to yours, as he has to his.

Have you looked into counseling? Whether or not your boyfriend agrees to go for his SA issues, you need to get some support for your very difficult part in the relationship. You can only support him, as long as YOU are healthy.

The combo I hear from others in this forum that works best is that you each go to your own therapist, and then you also meet with one of those therapists (yours, probably) for some couples' counseling.

The trick, of course, is finding a therapist who is knowledgable about SA, and its effects. While a good therapist will do wonders, a bad one can do incalculable damage.

I'm so sorry that you feel attacked when you're only trying to help. I know exactly how you feel. Best of luck to you. Stay healthy!

We're in this together.

We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

#62259 - 09/08/01 09:23 AM Re: someone help please
blacken Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1909
Loc: Northern Ohio
I agree with J. Seek out a support group, or a therapist, for yourself. You'll be in a much stronger position to help him (& ur-self).

He may not know what he wants from you. His world is in chaos. SA is a very distructive force. He probably needs valadation, acceptance, Unconditional Love, but isn't sure how to accept it. It may be hard for him to believe what he feels, even if he sounds convinced.

SA is a Terrible road to travel.Its full of self-doubt, confusion, fustration, anger, pain, saddness, self-shame, guilt, hate, fear, loneliness,, and on & on.

Dont be so hard on your self, I commend you on your efforts, your willingness to help him.


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