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#62216 - 10/12/04 10:22 PM **i thot i was doign so good**
Wifey1 Offline

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
i didnt cry yesterday, tho i told my T i would allow myself moments to do so if they arose, and i just wrote out someting so shitty to such a hopeful post to so many
i dont remember or know if i have ever been on such an emotional roller coaster so severe as i have been lately -- i believed i had experienced the worst things already i could ever have experienced and even silently thot to myself that i thot i had survived pretty fucking well given the circumstances
yesterday i had the conviction to stop poisoning myself with my meds, and now .... i dont know if i can do it or not do it
it matters not, nothing matters -- i dotn know how to let go of him when i know in my heart he is at his lowest, and that he needs to do what he needs to do for himself, even if that means leaving me
i am trying not to be vindictive or hateful, tryiang to be that tuff little bitch cop that i had been for awhile -- but its all gone
a RUSE just as my "coping" had been --
i dotn fu king know how to hang on -- i know i just want my girls around me, i know i just want to be held tightly as i cry and more importantly i want someone to hear my tears to see my body wretchhing filled with the pain from this
i want to be able tyo hide again behind that bullshit of being so tuff and not be reminded of how small and meaningless i am in as just another in a sea of others
i know who is standing gaurd, waiting in line ready to fall out and do duty -- but i a am, a lonley commander of my life
a life i never asked for, but kept tring to do the right thing...
i cant quit, i cant stop and i cant tive up, and that is what i most want to do
but the pain would be for noting then
and there has been far to oomuch pain for it not to amount to something some sort of CHANGE for the betterment
not just of my life, but BECAUSE of my life cuz i never have let the fuckers see me cry and now i cant even g o out ot get smokes with out the fear ofbreaking down if some schmuck asks if there willl be anything else
what a stupid question -- will there be anythng else ma'am?
how should di respond to that? no thanks i think i got enough of my own and plenty of someone elses also? In fact buddy how about i just go ahead and share with you a little more of what I have, you could probably use it a whole fu k of a lot better than i have
i feel like such a fucking schmuck, a fool played by fools and still on strings dancing on a god damn stage while someone yodels in the back ground
i really really want to go to the hospital asn dcheck in and hide for awhile i know i need to
i havent been eating or taking my meds right - smoking like a fu king chinmey yea thats real good wsehn ya got a heart that is a peiceof fucking mush,, held together wsith steel wires
ilm fu kin crakin up but i am not sure who i should call to go to the hsopital and dont want hubby to feel like its a guilt move either
i know i could get thrlu this
i'm caling my doc just pray for me pray for hubby and my girls please evn if it means yoiu pray i die so i dont suffe;r anymore
bye sammy

#62217 - 10/12/04 10:34 PM Re: **i thot i was doign so good**
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
You are going to get through this. You are.

Even just one of the many things you are going through right now would be enough to send most people checking into the hospital or at least hiding under the covers. You are amazing to have come this far. And it is okay to be overwhelmed now. You can give yourself permission to feel like it is overwhelming. You are allowed to ask for help right now.

#62218 - 10/12/04 11:02 PM Re: **i thot i was doign so good**
Wifey1 Offline

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
i called doc and in this few seconds of clarity i want you all to know they aer callaiang to get me admitted to the hospital
my doctor god bless her heart called hubbby and he is coming to get me and get me admitted tyhru the ER
how in the helll can he be able to do something so loving fo r me when i dont deserve that
dr pat said she would come be sure to see me tonight and i feel ba;dd because she just had a miscarriage and i know she must be still fighting to keep it together for her own self
i have been so blessed in this life with so many who have been able to reacch back t o me when i have stretched out for help
i ma;de dr pat promise to be sure to take good care of hubby because he is so fragile himself
i dont like that he is the one who is coming, but there truly is no one else in my life next to my daughters and my few doctors that i trust this much
they are so good to not have me go out ofhere in an ambullance in fron t of so many nutballs but hell i fit right in dont i?
i think i will keepl tryiang to post until he getss here to helpl me
i think i have been holding my breath again and i have not even been able to pee right for days
i hope he forgivbes me for this somed;ayl
i know i need to szleep some too something thta is not drug induced or alcohol fueled
dr pat says i need a psychiatrist more drugs? none seem to ever w ork longer than 6 weeks on my stupid narcoleptic brain....
at least i can just hand them my file of life and not have to tell them all the drugs i am suupposed to be taking or my past medical shit it would bne too much
it is almost a relief to know i am going in for some much needed help and rest i wa;sa agood girl fora long time i havent been in the nuthut in over 10 or 12 years.... i am sorry; for not being strong enoughh to keepl it together
but you guys thanks for hte love and support i have ;found here these past few monts and yeaars,
i will promise to be good and be a good girl and do what the docs say
pray pray pray for my babies safty and my hubbys safty and healing and know
sometimes i think the shit just get s too deepl and youi need someone to pull you ouit of the cesspool of shit

#62219 - 10/13/04 12:09 AM Re: **i thot i was doign so good**
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
you don't need to apologise to us for "not being strong enough to keep it together" You kept your end together, you fought for what you deserve with such strength and dignity that's it's been inspirational to me, and I bet others as well.
And the 'cussin' doesn't exempt you from 'dignity' one tiny bit ;\)

a life i never asked for, but kept tring to do the right thing...
That's the strength and dignity I mean, you keep trying to do the right thing.

Take the rest Sammy, listen to the doc's and be a "good girl".

Take care
Dave \:\)

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau


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