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#62190 - 10/12/04 02:18 AM He's not coming home---
reesersgrl Offline

Registered: 07/08/04
Posts: 37
Loc: ny
My "fiancee" is not coming home. In February, he started coming home later and later. Then he would be out all night a day, then two etc... saying he fell asleep in his car due to the meds. It went from that, to staying at various friends homes. Its been continuous and more frequent. I'm tired of the excuses that he makes--he's afraid to come home because I yell is the biggest one. Typically, Im a very patient and understanding person. I have stuck with him knowing all that I know and all that he's put me thru during our struggle with his memories of abuse. Well, I only yell after days and days of loneliness and total frustration. I try so hard not to trigger him in any way--BUT EVERYTHING TRIGGERS HIM. The wall he's putting up between us is getting taller by the minute. His MIStrust issues are out of control. I'm devoting most of my "thought time" to him and all he can do is worry that Im betraying him when that is sooooo farfrom the truth its not funny. I dot think the medication is doing him any good-and I had really high hopes for that. It seems to be making him angrier and more reclusive.About a month and 1/2 ago, he went on a rage over nothing and tore our house apart.His brother called just after I walked in onall this and I let loose. I told him all the things that have been going on. He took the ball and ran with it. Bob and I talked things out and he agreed to get counsel with me. The next thng you know, we awake to the police banging on our dooor with some sort of order. They took him in handcuffs to the hospital and I followed behind.He immediately presumed I was the one who called the police and proceeded to scream and yell and swear at me to get the hell out of there. He turned on me instantly. Meanwhile the brother kept calling and calling pressuring me togo to the hospital to help him commit Bob. At first I thought he was sowing concern, but then I just got the feeling that he wanted to be in total control of the situtation and of his brother. I decided to talk with the hospital on my own, and he was released after a week. He has disowned all but one of his family members. Things were back on track, so to speak, for about two weeks, then everthing picked up were it was left off. I'm lost and I'm in limbo. My life is on hold. I dont want to give up....but I do.

#62191 - 10/12/04 06:28 AM Re: He's not coming home---
forlauren Offline

Registered: 10/11/04
Posts: 63
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
take care of yourself. I hate to be annoying, but you can't control what Bob's gonna do. It doesn't matter how smart you are, how strong you are, or how sexy you are. I wish I could tell you it'll get better but I don't know. I just began this journey a couple weeks ago with my husband with therapy and finding out what he's been through and it is freaky hard and scary. I've never been so scared. When is your wedding date? You gotta push that back another year because it's gonna take some time to get through all this and you don't want the pressure of wedding planning on top of all this. You just need to eat right, exercise, get as much sleep as possible. Do whatever makes you feel good. There's nothing you can do to control Bob's behaviour and if you try it'll just get worse.

#62192 - 10/12/04 04:55 PM Re: He's not coming home---
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
I'm devoting most of my "thought time" to him
This is more destructive than anyone can imagine until they have been there, probably more destructive than we realize even when we're doing it.

You don't have to let him go, but you have to give yourself some mental space, even if that means pushing him out of the front of your mind for a while. Honestly, whether you're spending 3 or 13 hours a day thinking about him and only him, the only one feeling the effects of those hours of thought is YOU.

I'm so sorry all of this is happening to you right now. It seems his family is out of the question, but is there anyone else, a mutual friend or a counselor, who could give you an outlet for all of this? You sound pretty overwhelmed.

#62193 - 10/12/04 06:46 PM Re: He's not coming home---
FastForward Offline

Registered: 08/10/04
Posts: 188
Loc: US

I am sorry to hear about the tough time you are having. I think that life is never really on hold. When one makes a decision to get lost in the issues of another, it is a choice that is easy to do in SA case. But one is always responsible for one's life. Good relationships suppport us as we support those we relate to in positive ways. Unfortunately, in SA cases that support seems to be lacking quite often.

You have to focus on you and your boundaries. Lives are shattered otherwise. Trashed house one day, would physical violence against you be next? How do you know where his thought processes take place and where they will lead? You have to take care of yourself.

No amount of mistreatment justifies propagating it onto others. Adults are responsible for their actions. Please take care of yourself.


L&P - always.


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