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#62126 - 10/07/04 08:05 PM childbirth and SA survivors
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
I came across this article that may be of interest to survivors who have been or may become mothers.


Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#62127 - 10/07/04 09:31 PM Re: childbirth and SA survivors
kolisha54 Offline

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Thanks, Ken: this is so painful I can barely read it.... but I have been reflecting on this issue & feeling a bit of a sense of shame that I have never had OR wanted children. Your piece really helps me to put it all into perspective - hopefully, it is going to help me stop blaming myself.

If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

#62128 - 10/07/04 09:58 PM Re: childbirth and SA survivors
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
There are a couple of doctors I know who ought to read that

#62129 - 10/08/04 12:12 AM Re: childbirth and SA survivors
Wifey1 Offline

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Maybe I am the odd ball in all of this -- but honest to God, the only time I ever felt good and really energetic is when I was pregnant and having my girls.
For me the birth of my kids were the ability to NOT do the shitty stuff other adults who had raised me to do.
Do I wonder if I screwed up my kids over these years? Hell yes, and I know there isnt a parent out there who hasnt thought that. Wondered even if for a moment what or how they screwed up their offspring.
I know many women who have chosen not to have children, and I support them wholly. I also know one now who has stated she regretted bringing at least one son into this world -- and my heart breaks for her and her son she wants so badly to deny she has.
Maybe I am some bleeding heart, but for me I think the ONLY thing I did right was have my girls and protect them, even if hypervigilance hurt them in some way. They are grown now, both have graduated college and choose to have partners in their lives. It is truly and honor when they still come to me and ask me questions about not just their bodies, but about relationships and life --- even calls that come at 2 AM tell me that I did SOMETHING right, especially with them.
My oldest wrote a paper for graduation and in it she writes doing some comparison between two characters in a book written by Maya Angelou -- the entire paper is entitled "Love" -- I want to share an excerpt from that paper that moved my very soul beyond any de>

#62130 - 10/08/04 01:17 AM Re: childbirth and SA survivors
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
**********triggering and graphic***********
*********I am not kidding************

Sammy, I LOVED giving birth, (I was about to say I loved getting pregnant but then I realized that was slightly offtopic) I felt so strong while I was in labor, even the pain was okay because I felt like I was in control of it.

I went the other route and totally detached during my pelvic exams, the gyns were all very appreciative and amazed..."How did you ever get so relaxed..."

By the way I was 15 and my boyfriend was 17 when we had our first child, no one asked either one of us anything about sexual abuse in our past, only how many partners I'd had and if my pregnancy was planned. That still pisses me off.

With my second I went past the due date, my doctor decided to try something called stripping the membrance of my cervix which basically means irritating and pulling a thin layer of skin off of the cervix to try and stimulate labor. He sort of asked my permission beforehand, he said, "Can I try stripping your membranes" but did not really explain what it was before starting to do it. Then I guess he figured getting my permission once was good enough because the next time I went to the doctor he went to do the pelvic and when there was still no dilation he just stripped the membranes again without asking first... then was very casual about "Oh, there may be some spotting later..."

This same guy delivered my baby and was just not receptive to what I was feeling and saying. When I told him the baby was coming and perhaps he should NOT take his sweet time scrubbing up, he just smirked and said all the ladies say the baby's coming now, it will be some time yet... Well the baby was coming NOW and he ended up having to run back into the room and deliver her in just gloves and his shirt and tie which of course got ruined \:D \:D

#62131 - 10/08/04 11:22 PM Re: childbirth and SA survivors
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau


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