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#6192 - 05/06/04 03:41 AM Re: What am I doing wrong?
MikeNY Offline

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
You do have friends. I am your friend.

"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

#6193 - 05/06/04 03:46 AM Re: What am I doing wrong?
subdeacon Offline

Registered: 02/12/04
Posts: 83
Loc: Florida
Marc, my have already been invisible too long. You don't need to be invisible here. Say what you want to, yell, cry, write in all CAPS. Be who you are. It's about time you were heard. I hope the therapy went well this time!


"By way of trials and sufferings we must purify the divine image in us...for it is by reforging our senses in the furnace of our trials that we free them from defilement and assume our royal dignity. --Abba Philimon

#6194 - 05/06/04 05:16 AM Re: What am I doing wrong?
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1986
Loc: Flint, Michigan

Should I just shut up and listen.
Listen, sure. Shut up, no. Talk - whisper - scream - cry. Whatever and however it comes out, let it out.
Maybe I am too much. I didn't mean to be.
How about you are you? And you should be. How about your not too much? Always be true to yourself. Be yourself. Allow you to feel what you are feeling. See what you are feeling, don't try to hide it and pretend it is something different.

I hope this therapist turns out to be what you are looking for and what you need. It takes time. No matter what, keep it up.

Take care, and keep letting it out,

Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

#6195 - 05/06/04 12:38 PM Re: What am I doing wrong?
LupinIII Offline

Registered: 02/21/04
Posts: 156
It seems like you expect too much too soon (I am guilty of this as well). Slow down a bit...lower those expecations. You have had the bad experience for sooo long that you need to give yourself time for the new healthier ones to adjust. You will find that many people here will be a friend to you.

You don't need to fit in as much as you need to be yourself. You are doing a good job...I know you are overwhelmed with negative feelings..but you can let them wash over you or post them here, but do not accept them as fact.

#6196 - 05/06/04 02:35 PM Re: What am I doing wrong?
MrDon Offline

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL

Don't forget that change doesn't happen overnight. Healing from abuse takes time and it is often a slow process. I often compare it to my highschool class motto, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Just think if you were going to start out on a trip of walking from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean tomorrow, would you expect yourself to be there in one day if you were walking? Probably not. You would understand that it would take many days (I don't know how many, but a lot). And along the way, you might want to sit down and rest or you may take a turn that puts you in a direction you didn't intend to go. But all in all, if you put one foot in front of the other, you will get there. It is a simple analogy but one I have often used in my own healing because it makes sense.

Why not chart your own path you take. You could do this by putting a big poster on the wall of where you live. (and you don't have to be an artist to do this either). Then each little step you take, draw a tiny little foot and put the name of what you did on the foot. For instance, you said you started therapy. That's a very good start and a very good name for the first little foot. Graphically it will help you when you on down the road and are wondering if you have made progress.

I used something similar to this but for mine it was kind of a "land" of where I was at on one side of the poster paper and a "dream land" of where I wanted to go on the other side. Inbetween the two was a long winding path full of rocks and obstacles. As I could name the rocks/obstacles over the years, I would fill them in within the path. And believe me when I really thought I wasn't getting anywhere, I would look at just how many obstacles I had named and stepped over. I kept this in a very central location so I could see it without having to spend much effort to take a look at it.

And believe it or not, this idea was one of the hundreds of ideas that my therapist threw out to me. She knew that sooner or later one of the ideas would take hold and help change my life. She was right.


In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!

#6197 - 05/06/04 04:32 PM Re: What am I doing wrong?
breakinfree Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/05/04
Posts: 28
Loc: MA
i cannot say what you are doing wrong. I can say what you are doing right, writing here. Letting your feelings out is the best thing you can do. I spent 20+ yrs hiding my pains and fears away. It cost me so much, so much of life. Here I have found support when I was at my worst, all of my fears and feelings crushing me. This is a horrible road we are on, but it is one that has a purpose (I like to think anyway). In time you will see the hands reaching for you, helping you out of the hole we were dropped into. I have found understanding here, empathy. It is a long road, but since I took my first step forward I have seen life open up to me. I have people closer to me than ever before. I have always felt very alone but now that I have let down my walls things have become much clearer. So write, talk, scream, yell, and cry. But let it out, as the pain comes out it makes room for the better things this life has to offer.

"I have a simple philosophy. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches."

Alice Lee Longworth

#6198 - 05/06/04 05:59 PM Re: What am I doing wrong?
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts

I've been slipping up and down the frigging ladder for going on three weeks. There is no "right or wrong" to what we do or feel. There is only what we feel in the moment.

Okay, there is "wrong." Hurting yourself or others, always WRONG! Other than that, level playing field, my brother.

And, even though it's long-distance, you have someone. You'll ALWAYS have someone. I'm your friend, Marc. Your comerade. Your brother-in-arms.

As long as you have ONE, you're never alone. \:\)

Peace and love, Marc. You aren't "one" anymore. You're "one of the brothers."

Scot \:D

There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

#6199 - 05/06/04 11:05 PM Re: What am I doing wrong?
RICK57 Offline

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Marc - I do have some good friends and some family (brother/sister & their partners/offspring).

Even though I've got good friends, I haven't really known it until recently...once I started therapy (after 34 years), I started to discover a little bit more of who I am & what people appreciate about me.

I've worked really hard to develop friendship, when my natural instinct is to distrust people & to run away. I always believed that if I trusted someone that I would be hurt in the long run, that they would be stringing me along for some ulterior motive! I now understand that most people are took some getting there. I can now trust other people and believe in myself...that's where the friends develop from.

Not that long ago (December 2003) I could be in a room/bar with several of my friends 'having a good time', but it was like I wasn't there. Dec 18th I lost it & started therapy (organised by my boss of all people). See my past was haunting me & I needed to validate myself 'to me', not anyone else.

My friends also know that I was abused now & they support me (very lucky I know)!

Office parties - well I was at one 3 days before I cracked up & some people noticed then that I wasn't myself (most thought it was overwork) - they have since shown a lot of concern - some of them actually monitor my hours & tell me off if I work over a cetain level.

Marc - to summarise, if people from work are asking you to socialise, then they are at least interested in you. It's difficult to trust, but give it a go. Please don't hide yourself away - too many of us have done that!

You can always say that you can only attend for an hour or so (giving yourself an escape route), then you could stay longer if you enjoy it.

Therapy - it's the best thing I ever did.

Be strong and give the 'ordinary people' out there another chance.

Best wishes ...Rik

*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

#6200 - 05/06/04 11:19 PM Re: What am I doing wrong?
TeeJayUU Offline

Registered: 04/30/04
Posts: 317
Loc: MidWest
I, too have isolated myself! I do have family and friends, but you do too now! I have only been here a week and I have alredy found many "frineds". Give yourself a break and some time! Hey, you may be a natural loner and their aint nothing wrong with that either!

Hang in there, friend. I look forward to talking with you soon! Fell free to send a message.


"There is a plan for me, God has a Purpose, I know there is a reason that I'm ALIVE!" Cherish Grace

#6201 - 05/07/04 08:57 PM Re: What am I doing wrong?
ak Offline

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491

I do not think you do anything wrong, I do not think you 'needy' or so different. I have few friends in 'real world', even in home country, I do not talk so much and not so many people are friend of me. I think it make sense that you will have friends here, it is people who understand more. I hope that you will feel better of yourself.


#6202 - 05/07/04 11:57 PM Re: What am I doing wrong?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
you aren't doing anything wrong, and I don't think you're any different to the way I and many of the guys here were a short while back. I hated parties and shit like that because I felt 'different' to 'normals' - but now I know that 99% of 'normals' are as screwed up as we are ( for different reasons maybe ) the other 1% are just plain crazy and we don't want to mix with them anyway !

The abuse robbed us our self esteem and all that kind of stuff, so we never learned the social skills that most people take for granted.
But healing rebuilds self esteem, and with that comes self confidence. With that we go out and socialize.

It's all there, somewhere within you - BURSTING TO GET OUT !


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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