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#61787 - 06/17/01 08:41 PM I'm confused.

I know that there isn't all that much activity on this board, but maybe somebody will help me out. My husband and I have been married for 20 years. Last fall, I found out that he was having an affair with a co-worker. I recently found out that the affair had begun last year in May. I kicked him out of the house, and he finally moved out in February. He had been behaving before he moved out, but he resumed seeing the other woman. I finally stopped speaking to him. In April, he told me that he admitted to his therapist that he had been sexually abused by a cousin when he was maybe 10 years old (he had casually mentioned this to me a few years ago). He's with a new therapist now, who thinks that, as a result of the abuse, he has an abnormal focus on sex. He stopped seeing the other woman at the beginning of May, and we were speaking regularly and seeing each other, but now he's seeing her again. He only sees her once a week except at work, so he's not going out of his way to spend time with her. I told him today that I will speak with him after his counseling sessions to hear how they go but will not see him again for a while because of his continued involvement with her. Does anybody have any advice? He knows that his relationship with her is not permanent and is probably motivated only by sex. He has also said that he is so ashamed about what happened to him that, since I know about it, he can't be with me, although he calls me several times every day and hangs around the house all weekend. I want to be supportive while he comes to grips with the problems resulting from the abuse (including convincing himself that he's not gay), but I have to watch out for myself. I need help!

#61788 - 06/19/01 01:25 AM Re: I'm confused.
Brian B14 Offline

Registered: 05/04/01
Posts: 122
Loc: New York
Mrs. SNM,

A preoccupation with sex is not unusual for a sexual abuse victim. You may want to suggest going to couples counseling with him, however it may be very difficult for him to deal with 2 issues at the same time. You may want to think about talking to a counselor yourself to help you sort out this complex issue. No matter what he is going through, you must go out of your way to protect yourself. If you don't feel like you are taking care of yourself, there is little chance of you being able to take care of him.

Good Luck,


[ 06-18-2001: Message edited by: Brian B14 ]

#61789 - 06/19/01 05:50 AM Re: I'm confused.
UrsoBear Offline

Registered: 05/11/01
Posts: 91
Loc: Washington, DC

I did read your message a day or two ago and have thought about it. Then, after your request for support in the Male Survivors forum, I re-read it just now, and everything I was going to suggest, Brian just suggested in the previous posting.

So I second his suggestion about couple's counseling, but if this isn't the time for that yet for your husband, I would definitely encourage you to seek some competent counseling yourself. You need and deserve support yourself, and I think you need to clarify your own thoughts, feelings, and needs regarding the complexities of your situation.

Anyway, other than just expanding a little on what I think are good suggestions from Brian, I just wanted to let you know that someone else here is listening to you and hoping for the best.

Take care and good luck,



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