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#61692 - 05/17/01 02:26 PM ages and sexual abuse

My son was sexually abused by an older boy when he was 3 till he was 7. BUT the older boy is only 1 to 2 years older than him. I have just found out today. My son is in treatment because he abused my daughter and he is 12 now. Is it still considered abuse if the ages are so close?

#61693 - 05/17/01 03:10 PM Re: ages and sexual abuse
Brian B14 Offline

Registered: 05/04/01
Posts: 122
Loc: New York
Hi Becky,

There is a lot of debate when it comes to defining what is "sexual abuse" and who should be labeled as "an abuser." Most experts in the field examine the difference in "power" between the two individuals involved. Some experts define in by using the age difference. I'm NOT an expert in this area. From what you have said, I offer the following:

1. Your son was sexually abused.

2. Your daughter was abused.

3. I would NOT label your son as an "abuser". He is a young child and was probably acting out because what happened to him. He didn't know any better. The label will also stay with him for life and can only hurt him.

4. For the same reason, I would be hesitant about labeling the child who abused your son as an "abuser". I would bet anything that he was sexually abused in his short life. A 4 or 5 year old child does not just come up with this stuff on his own. Something must have happened to him.

When we are talking about children that are this age, I believe we only have victims. Yes, someone did perpetrate the abuse but I can not see any advantage to labeling anyone as an "abuser" at this young age.

This is just my opinion.

I hope your family is able to get past this. By not using these "labels", I believe you are better able to move on.

Good Luck,


[ 05-17-2001: Message edited by: Brian B14 ]

#61694 - 05/19/01 04:09 PM Re: ages and sexual abuse

I read your message on the board about your son who was abused by a kid just a few years older and then your daughter by your son. I was sexually abused by one of my brothers when I was 6-8yrs old. My brother is four years older than me. He also sexually abused my younger sister (she is only a year younger than me) when she was 5-7yrs old. He is five years older than her. My brother was sexually abused by my brother-in-law when he was young. My brother began sexually abusing us soon after he was abused. I agree you should not out right tell your son he is a "Child modelster" however, he did commit a sexual crime and needs to be shown what he did was wrong and has conquences. If he goes on without some kind conquences to show what he did was wrong he will think it to be ok and most likely do it again the first chance he gets. For him to even sexually abuse your daughter is HUGE. My oldest brother was sexually abused as well by another relative when he was a young boy but he has NEVER abused me or my sister unlike my other brother. So, I have two brothers who were sexually abused but only ONE who went out and sexually abused others. Why the difference? I have no tolerance or pitty for my brother who abused me just cause he was abused as well. I was abused by him but you don't see me out abuseing others. Don't make excuses for your son or the child who abused your son just because of their age. There was a sexual abuse crime done to your son and to your daughter know matter how old the abuser was. What the victim feels is the same know matter how old the person who abused them is. Trust me I know from experience. Don't hate your son but NEVER trust him again around your daughter PLEASE. Don't label him like some sick sexual preditor but don't pretend what he did never happened or hide it. Talk about it alot! Your son can go two ways...never abused another person again or he'll do it again and again until he is caught again. Don't let your daughter feel ashamed or like this is her fault. Remeber your daughter is a victim of what happened to her just as much as your own son was. To me age doesn't matter. When your a kid you still know what is right and wrong. You still know when something is dirty or not. The feelings of the victim is always the same...scared,ashamed,sad etc. To me I still consider it sexual abuse or rape know matter the age. I don't have any kind of relationship with the brother who sexually abused me ESP after I found out when he was 18-23yrs old he was raping my newphew from the age of 4-9yrs old. My parents for years was in deniel about my brother abuseing me and my sister and now the newest victim is my newphew. Don't be a parent like that please.


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