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#61594 - 05/02/01 04:05 PM fear my husband was abused/please help

My husband and I are newlyweds. I knew before we married that there was a history in his family. His father had been physically abusive to all of the members in the family. I've asked him about his childhood but he says he remembers none/or little of it.

Recently he went away for a weekend. A fishing trip, he said, with a friend. He did not call me so I began to worry and stupidly realized I had not asked him the name of the place they were staying. I checked his e-mail for the name of the place he was staying so I might call and confirm that he had, at least, arrived safely.

I found instead a variety of e-mails from a great many women, most with nude photographs. Some detailed Master/Pet or Dom/Sub relationships. One was from a woman confirming their weekend plans. So, he had not gone fishing with Don but had, rather, gone to be with Diane. She also included a nude pic.

There were a great many of these as well as saved chats that were extremely explicit in nature. Most of which were in the dom/sub category.

My husband's sister has attempted suicide twice in the last year. His brother has manifested serious withdrawal/antisocial behavior and has recently come out of the closet (bravo for that -- took bravery).

That weekend I called my husband's mother and asked what, in detail, had her husband done to her children. She said she believes her husband sexually abused my husband and his sister.

Later, after discussing his weekend fling -- a few days later, I asked my husband if his father had ever touched him in an inappropriate way, or asked that he touch himself while his father watched. He says it never happened. I told him that his mother believes that it did. He says she is wrong and that he was never sexually abused.

I asked, if he could not remember his childhood, how can he be so sure. He says he "just knows."

My question is:

Can the anonymous online sex, the adulterous affair, the dominance/submission proclivity, as well as his expressed desire for a threesome be a result of early childhood sexual abuse?

We are in counselling together but he will nto address the issue as he says "nothing happened." Nor will he go to counselling alone.

Any thoughts, insight, or advice? Please? I love this man with all my heart and do not want to see him suffer but nor can I continue in a marriage that can conceivable offer me repeated incideces of such pain. I should like to help him but feel that if, in fact, he was abused, the only way to get past it is to face it. Is this wrong???

Please help.

#61595 - 05/04/01 12:55 AM Re: fear my husband was abused/please help

my husband also would neve talk about his childhood he would say" i really never had a childhood" i didn't understand what he meant at the time. like most "problems" though a person can not get help until they are ready. I know how lost you feel. educating myself made me feel better, I read the book "Abused Boys" and think it is an excellent reference for you and him too. Dealing with the betrayl of the fishing weekend would be most dificult for me. I too look at my husband and think that because of the abuse he acts and reacts differnt that others would. My husband was already in therapy and it came out there, he was afraid to tell me thinking I would leave him,think he was disgusting, etc. these were real fears that paralyzed him for years wanting to tell me but couldn't, maybe he has some of those fears also. I got the book at barnes & which is nice you can look at book subjects in private. Good luck


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