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#61575 - 05/01/01 09:51 PM Need Advice

Hello,my name is Val, and my hubby is a survivor of being sexually abused as a child, by 3 different family members one of which was a minister. This is all new to me, and when he told me this, my heart went out to him, yet I didn't know what to say or do. And this is why he says he drinks, as he is an alcoholic too. We are struggling to keep our relationship together, and when I try to get him into counseling he says he's been there done that it don't help, and he even admitted that he loves me but he don't really know if he knows what that really is. I'm confused and so lost, I just want to understand, and to find a way to stop him from suffering. He says he can't sleep at night unless he's had a few drinks, as he relives this over & over. He will be 44 this month, and he's been trying to run from this all his life. I am open for any & all advice.

#61576 - 05/03/01 09:32 PM Re: Need Advice

I have am going through the same thing with my fiance..He says he loves me too but then he says he is not sure.Victims tend to be confused over thier feelings and have difficulty making decisions.When depressed they tend to say things they don't really mean.They feel like they need to be punished for what happened to them as they feel they did something to deserve the abuse.In trying to punish themselves they feel they don't deserve love and tend to push the ones who do love them away. Mostly this is done without realizing it...
Hang in there and be patient.

#61577 - 05/08/01 09:03 PM Re: Need Advice
sas Offline

Registered: 01/28/01
Posts: 31
Loc: Chicago, IL USA
Hello, it has been a while since I've visited this site. My husband, too, is struggling with his past and he has thrown some difficult things my way (we've been married 9 years). I agree that sometimes they will say (or do) things out of fear and/or a hope that we will take off, so that their view of themselves is confirmed. I'm in the weird postion of my husband not having yet stated that he was abused (though all of the elements are there - but I could be wrong...).

About 2 weeks ago he was sharing a little bit about his confusion over his sexual identity (he dropped this bomb on me about 4 months ago) and when I told him that I have learned a lot about what men go through who struggle with their sexual identity - how their stories are so similar to his - and that these men were sexually abused. He looked at me and finally said, "you know, when you said the word 'abuse' a flash of energy went through me and then was gone...." He said that he doesn't remember anything but that it wouldn't surprise him if he has totally disassociated past events. I was scared, yet 'relieved' to have finally shared my suspicions.

We both are in counseling but it is hard. I think he sees the benefit but so often when we have our session together - it's just me talking about how I'm feeling and he just says he doesn't know about his feelings. I could pull my hair out. ;\)

He hasn't seen our therapist 1-1 in a while, I know he has to 'own' his healing but I'm nervous that he's too afraid to look in the shadows. It is so hard to stay married to a man who isn't sure if he's gay or not. If my family knew they'd think I was crazy but I love him so deeply - and I just can't help but believe that there is more to this... what in life isn't complex?

I'm not sure I've helped, but it was nice to get some thoughts off my chest. Hang in there - everyone - and please keep sharing!

#61578 - 05/20/01 10:54 PM Re: Need Advice

Well at least it is good to know that I am not the only woman going thru this.

Take a breath, say a prayer, and perhaps go to a Alanon meeting, to first deal with the alcohol problem.

My husband masks his pain with marijuana, although he "doesn't have a problem with it". One arrest, a search coming thru customs, and his carrying it to Greece, and I guess I disagree. He too gets high right before he goes to bed, and also has problems sleeping.

I will keep you in my prayers.



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