Hello, it has been a while since I've visited this site. My husband, too, is struggling with his past and he has thrown some difficult things my way (we've been married 9 years). I agree that sometimes they will say (or do) things out of fear and/or a hope that we will take off, so that their view of themselves is confirmed. I'm in the weird postion of my husband not having yet stated that he was abused (though all of the elements are there - but I could be wrong...).
About 2 weeks ago he was sharing a little bit about his confusion over his sexual identity (he dropped this bomb on me about 4 months ago) and when I told him that I have learned a lot about what men go through who struggle with their sexual identity - how their stories are so similar to his - and that these men were sexually abused. He looked at me and finally said, "you know, when you said the word 'abuse' a flash of energy went through me and then was gone...." He said that he doesn't remember anything but that it wouldn't surprise him if he has totally disassociated past events. I was scared, yet 'relieved' to have finally shared my suspicions.
We both are in counseling but it is hard. I think he sees the benefit but so often when we have our session together - it's just me talking about how I'm feeling and he just says he doesn't know about his feelings. I could pull my hair out.
He hasn't seen our therapist 1-1 in a while, I know he has to 'own' his healing but I'm nervous that he's too afraid to look in the shadows. It is so hard to stay married to a man who isn't sure if he's gay or not. If my family knew they'd think I was crazy but I love him so deeply - and I just can't help but believe that there is more to this... what in life isn't complex?
I'm not sure I've helped, but it was nice to get some thoughts off my chest. Hang in there - everyone - and please keep sharing!