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#61470 - 04/17/01 03:35 AM Shock
kay Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/14/06
Posts: 0
Loc: Miami
I've been with my husband for 13 years and he dropped a huge bomb on me this last weekend.
I am in shock. I told me he was sexually abuse as a child by his mother.
Never in a million years would I have suspected this. We have a good marriage (by no means perfect.)
His mother has been involved in our life since we've been together.
And most of the time more than I've wanted.
I just thought it was a overbearing mother thing.....
We actually lived right next door to each other for 9 years...
Since the day I moved in with him she had a key to our house.
It was like the "strings to her apron were never cut"
Again I have always believed he felt obligated to take care of his mom that's just the responsible kind of guy he is.
This past year she suffered a sever stroke and has been in and out of hospital and nursing homes.. she finally went to live near her other children in another state.
When his family has called him before to talk about helping his mom he goes into these rages. (I thought it was because he was the one who had been taking care of her for the past 15 years without any help from his siblings.) That's usually where his conversation with his brother goes..."I've taken care of her all these years now you all are going to have to deal with her"..<----This is a general example of the conversation. However the other night I was listening to what he was saying to basically the same as the past times and then he says no you don't understand....I hate her and I wish she'd just die. I thought he meant she'd be better off dead than in the physical state she's in. The he goes on to say how she neglected him and most of his other siblings and the he said it....
"She sexually abused me when I was six...It could have even started as early as 3.
I shouldn't have told you this....."
"I have never told anyone"
I was just stunned.
Then he goes on to tell me of an incident that happened while we were on vacation....his mother had come with us and our son....and he asked if I remembered a particular incident, a night we we're making love in the middle of the night in a hotel
she was in the bed next to us..and how she was masturbating...he asked me if I remembered this...all I remember is him saying "shhh did you hear anything?"
But I do remember the incident.
He's sworn me to secrecy.....I feel like I'm going crazy...This is like the mother in law story from hell.
I asked him why he kept her so close to him wouldn't he want her to not be involved in his life? All he said was look up my situation and then maybe you'll understand.
We have always had a very good sexual relationship he is a terrific lover. I just don't know what to do..How can I pretend he never told me this?
How can I stand to let my children talk to this person or write her letters?Worse yet there may still be a possibility that she may come back here to live.
I'm sorry for rambling...I just had to release all of this craziness....
What do I do?


#61471 - 04/19/01 12:36 AM Re: Shock

Hi Kay,
Just read your post and registered just to reply!
Truth is, you CAN"T pretend he never told you this. It's "out there" now, and needs to be addressed. Your husband was obviously going through a great deal of inner turmoil over his mothers' illness and the past to suddenly blurt this out. To try to avoid it now will only compound the problem.
You can't force your husband to go to a therapist. I've been married over 20 yrs. I knew about the abuse shortly after our marriage, and my husband denied it's impact on his life and our marriage until just last year. It's been quite a roller coaster emotionally and has almost torn us apart, but he is working really hard on recovery.
You're on the right track, you're here, you are trying to learn and seek support.Check into some therapists in your area to see if theres' someone who deals with these issues. Gently mention if you've found someone. Until he's ready, arm yourself with knowledge and give him your love and support. God bless


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