I want to write about something that happened to me, to maybe recieve some comments from impartial people who can help me put things in perspective.
I don't know if this is rape, maybe not, maybe it is a sexual problem, I don't know.
Let me relate an experience.
I am a 26 year old musician, and I went to a small city to do a solo performance. While I was their i saw a girl who caught my eye, she was showing alot of clevage, and my eyes were caught on that. I think she noticed that.
I did my performance, electronic music, to a small crowd, and it was late (about three in the morning), and I had not got a hotel or a hostel room booked, I thought I would like to maybe sleep on the beach, it was warm and a nice night, also I don't have much money, and I had lost a little on getting to the performance. I was tired, I had not slept the night before, and everything had a sureal hue. I had taken no drugs or anything like that.
After the show I was talking to some of the people who were their, and the girl i had looked at earlier. Just light late night conversation. We went our seperate ways, and the girl ended up walking in my direction towards the beach. I was talking with her, and she decided to come to the beach with me instead of going to an all night bar to dance some more. I thought it would be nice to have someone to talk to, as I did not know anyone in the town, I also had a small hope that maybe she would decide to put me up on the floor in her house for the night or something. I was too shy to ask that.
All of a sudden while we were walking down the street she started trying to kiss me. I turned my head away and told her to stop. i have (or had) a girlfreind who I love, and I want to marry, I promised my girlfreind that I would be monogomous with her.
The girl was pretty and seemed nice, if I was single, I would have loved to have fun with her. As it was, all I really wanted to do was talk and be freindly.
She got the message, sort of and stopped trying to kiss me. She still had her arm around me, and I thought that was ok, yet, I was a little frightened. She told me of a river close by, that would be nice to sit by. Looking back I should have taken any oportunity to get away from her from then, yet I didn't, and now I regret it. When we got to the river she jumped me again, and pushed me over and got on top of me. I tried to push her off, gently as I did not want to hurt her, or cause too much of a scene, their were other people close by. She was stronger than me, and held me down, and started kissing my neck. I turned my head away and told her to stop. I told her that I have a girlfriend that I love and i wanted her to stop. She would not.
In response to me turning my head away she was kissing my neck, and as much as I struggled, the horror of it to me, is that I liked it. i hated her for doing this, and i Wanted her to stop, and at the same time I liked it. My body reacted and I got an erection. My mind said no, and my body said yes. I still could not get her off, and her rubbing her crotch against my dick didn;t help matters for me.
I lay limp, I gave up, I didn't look at her or kiss her, I just lay their like a peice of wood looking away as she rubbed herself on me breathing heavily into my ear. I couldn't beleive what was happeing. I was thinking of my girlfreind and what she would say if she saw me. not that she could as she is in China, and I am in New Zealand.
Eventually the girl stopped, and got off me. I sat up, in a bit of a daze, and looked at the river. We talked. I asked her why she did it, and she said something about loving my soul. I told her about my girlfreind in China. and how I didn't like what she did. At this point I could have left too, and I didn't. In a way, this sounds strange, I could sense this girl had some problems, and I wanted to help her. She told me about her family, a couple of kids, and an off/on boyfreind (or nearly husband). She also told em that she had been raped when she was younger. SHe described it and it sounded horrible. Including someone else coming in when she was screaming, and thinking that she was enjoying it and leaving her with the man. She was a bit messy in her head, and on some sort of medication. i side track.
For some reason I can't explain, I wanted to be her freind, I thought maybe we could send a few emails to each other and that would be good.
She jumped on me again, and I told her to stop. Again she was on top, and with her weight, and determination i could not move her. I struggled hopelessly, it only seemed to make things worse, and her enjoy it more. She thought I was playing I think.
Again she kissed me, and again i turned my head away from her, I did not want to face her. Again her rubbing on my body made me hard. It is a horrible feeling knowing thatI have a girlfreind I love and being in this position.
In the end, i gave in, I kissed her back. I wanted her. It makes me feel sick to end up thinking it now, I ended up wanting to fuck her. I curse myself for getting into that position.
We didn't have sex, it seemed that as soon as she felt me give in and want her, she was not so keen on me. We talked some more and went our seperate ways. I wanted to have sex with her, and at the same time i wanted to hate her. i wanted to be with my girlfreind who is in a different country. I didn't know what she would say, I knew I would tell her... I felt horrible, as if i had caused our relationship to break up.
I told my girlfreind what happened, and she has not talked to me since. (for about two weeks now). I feel hollow and empty, and I know a part of me is to blame. I ruined the best thing in my life because I didn't have the stregnth to control my sexual urges. Now I am crying, and I am lonley, and I don't know what to do. I wish my girlfreind could understand. and now she will not even acknowledge my presence or answer my calls or anything. I fear I have seased to exist to her.
So their you go, It seems this is a mild experience compared to what else has been written on your board. I feel embarressed over the situation, and also angry. At myself, my girlfreind and the other girl.
I don't know what to do other than keeping on living, I hope that maybe shearing what happened will help me. And I guess I hope that in someway someone will tell me a way to get back togeather with my girlfreind, although I fear their is no way, and I hope beyond hope - dream beyond dream.